


Wilder Mind

by aestaeticism, baeconandeggs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, BAE2017, Binge Drinking, M/M, Sex under the influence of drugs/alcohol, explicit mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 08:48:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 40,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestaeticism/pseuds/aestaeticism, https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs
Summary: There’s no way Baekhyun is going to give anything to anyone, except for his body.





	1. You try to tame me from the start (you call it love)

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short, easy fic. I swear to god I have no idea what happened instead.  
> -For those wondering, this fic is set in South Korea in a city called Daejeon. Also, being set in Korea, I tried to keep facts and circumstances in the story as close to korean reality as I could.  
> -I usually don’t mix korean & english except for names of food and suffixes like hubae / sunbae which you will find in italic throughout the fic.  
> -Thanks to G for putting up with me during the whole process, to A for listening to my doubts and fixing my grammar horrors. Also, thanks to the prompter. I’m sorry if this is not exactly what you expected, I hope you’ll be happy with it anyway.

The first time he’d done it, it had been scary in the morning.

Waking up in a room he has no memory of, someone’s arm draped over his waist and all he’s wearing is a t-shirt thrown over his legs that’s not even doing the job of keeping him warm. The first time he’d done it, it had been scary but Baekhyun had gotten used to it after a while, not being able to remember half of his nights and crawling to class in the morning, hair a mess and mismatched socks, sometimes not even his.

It was a man’s arm today as well, the one that’s circling his waist, that person’s breath fanning on his nape and a low snoring sound breaking the absolute silence for a dim lit bedroom. There was no t-shirt or any other kind of clothing covering his limbs and Baekhyun was cold, his head throbbing and he’d got that weird sensation like he really wanted to throw up, but he didn’t really need to, cause he’d probably done it already although he couldn’t remember. There were other parts of his body that were sore, and he spared a glance to the two hickeys stamped on the skin of his inner thigh while he disentangled himself from the man’s arms and tried very hard to steady himself on two legs.

He didn’t look back at the man on the bed as he crouched to collect each piece of clothing that had been discarded the night before. His jeans and boxers just next to the nightstand, his glasses -folded- but forgotten on the floor under the man’s underwear. If he didn’t find it so funny it would’ve been disgusting, probably. Finding his hoodie proved to be a harder task, since he had no idea where it was, let alone where he’d been stripped -or where he’d stripped, he couldn’t really remember.

It’s not that he did this on purpose, mind him. Baekhyun just loved to ‘make the most of his days’ as he liked to call it, a motto that included getting drunk with his _sunbae_ in cheap _suljib_ and making bets on who he’d sleep with. By the time he’d get to the bets, though, he’d be far from remembering what and who he was betting on, which resulted in him waking up in the weirdest of places, from suspicious love motels to badly lit public restrooms. The most interesting one had been the backseat of a Mercedes Benz, and he’d been this close from actually snatching the guy’s number, because money, of course.

The night before had been quite similar, although his _sunbae_ and him had been playing billiards and the goal was not getting drunk, but they’d bet on a drink for the loser and Baekhyun had lost. Multiple times. And that might have been on purpose.

In the end, he’d found his hoodie in the bathroom, under the sink, alongside other interesting info about who he’d slept with this time, like his age and major, that he had enough money to own, not a small _one room_ that stank of mould, but a real apartment, and that he had a girlfriend who had been calling him for the last two hours.

Baekhyun didn’t care. He never cared in the nights, when strangers pulled up his shirt, when they kissed him hard or when they touched him in places where one wouldn’t normally want to be touched by strangers. He didn’t mind when they whispered filthy things in his ear, nor when they woke up before him to tell him to leave. It was just how his life was, he’d learned to get used to it. The alcohol was good, the sex even better and that was enough.  
However it was snowing when he left the apartment near City Hall subway station and as he pulled up his hoodie and hid his face in a scarf that wasn’t his, the scent of male cologne still lingering on the fabric, he kind of wished he could’ve just been the kind of person that stays.

 

.

 

“What were you up to last night anyway?” Jongdae is grinning. Jongdae is always grinning while holding his drink, a Rhum and Coke, even when there’s nothing to be grinning about. He’s looking at Baekhyun closely, closer than actually needed and Baekhyun laughs, loud, and whacks him away, a smack on his shoulder that sends Jongdae right with his back on the couch.

“I called you Byun Baek, several times, you never picked up.” He tries pouting, his head tilts to the side, his words slurred. Four Rhum and Cokes in a row are never a good idea for Jongdae, but neither is Baekhyun’s bad habit of playing with his alcohol volume. “I was so devastated Byun Baek, you were ignoring me. You still are.” His head ends up resting on the shoulder of a very annoyed and sober Sehun and he tries kicking Baekhyun from under the small, round table they’re sitting at.

Baekhyun just snorts, shaking his head and taking a sip of his beer, the empty glass of his long finished Moscow Mule in front of him. “But I did pick up! This morning.” He retorts, a nagging, whiny tone in his voice that is far from how Baekhyun normally sounds. “I thought this would be fun, ‘Dae. You said it would but you’re just flirting with noodle over there.”

Sehun’s gaze darts to Baekhyun but he doesn’t bother to actually put some distance between his lips and Jongdae’s ear, as he goes back to whispering things that have Jongdae laugh again and slide a bit further down the leather couch. “I’m not! ..” he laughs and slaps Sehun on his knee, which has Sehun flinching and Jongdae almost fall off the couch.

“I’m not flirting with him, right noodle? Noodle has got the cutest bf ever, right noodle?” His voice goes up an octave while he tries to pinch Sehun’s cheek, resulting in Sehun effectively pushing Jongdae off him and off the couch on the floor.

“So annoying..” He hisses, his eyes going back to the crowd of the club.

Baekhyun nudges at him with his foot, from under the table, completely ignoring Jongdae trying to climb on the couch once again and then giving up, letting himself be half hoisted up, half unceremoniously pulled on the couch by Sehun.

“Sehun I’m bored.” Baekhyun keeps poking his calf, although he can obviously see how Sehun just wants to punch either him or Jongdae. He just raises an eyebrow, though, waiting for Baekhyun to go on. “Choose someone for me.”  
And it’s easy, really, it’s what Baekhyun does every time, when he reaches that point of drunkenness where he’s simply drunk and horny and wants to have some fun. Sehun doesn’t know, though, and in between the lights of the club he just casually points his finger to the first person that comes into his vision.

 

Baekhyun has to squint to fully focus on him, but when he does, his eyes glint and he’s grinning, much like Jongdae. The guy’s not the tallest, but looks slightly taller than him anyway, with black hair and a very casual attire. He has people dancing around him, but hasn’t found a partner yet, or so it seems. Baekhyun doesn’t even reply, promptly swallowing what’s left of his beer, and Sehun just shrugs, helping Jongdae with snacks now.

Baekhyun has no idea what the guy’s face looks like while he sneaks out of the leather couch to make his way amongst the crowd, but he’s pretty sure his brain registered that he was handsome, when he’d first focused on him after Sehun had pointed him out.

By the time he’s close enough to look at him properly, though, he’s almost forgotten what he was supposed to do and it’s his body guiding him. He can’t think, he’s laughing for no particular reason, the music so loud it’s drumming in his chest, the lights flickering with colorful lights and that lightheadedness that he feels whenever he’s drunk has him casually dancing with anyone who decide to give him a go.

 

That is, until it’s Sehun’s guy that grabs him by his waist, from behind, and something clicks in Baekhyun’s brain. He takes a quick look at him, enough to see plump lips and a high nose, dark hair that reaches his neck. The guy’s handsome and Baekhyun has just come here to get someone to fuck him, other than to have fun with Jongdae and friends, so why not?

“Wanna dance?” It’s all the guy whispers in his ear before he starts moving behind Baekhyun, keeping his hold on his waist. Yes, he wants to dance. He wants to dance with him, and then maybe dance on him. His heart is pounding in his chest and he doesn’t know if it’s actually his heart or the music, or the alcohol messing with his brain. He presses back onto the guy’s crotch, moving with him, following the rhythm and it’s not much of a dance, really, but Baekhyun doesn’t care, he just wants the guy to keep touching him like he’s doing, his head hooked on his shoulder.

Baekhyun can’t focus, he can never focus in these situations. All he can hear is the music, a female voice singing some kind of slow tempo melody, then the voice stops singing and the music is back buzzing in his ears. He tilts his head back and it’s soon resting just above the guy’s chest, a giggle leaving his mouth. It’s so easy, is it supposed to be this easy?

“Someone’s drunk, huh?” The guy murmurs, and Baekhyun can distinctly feel his hands slide from his waist to his ass, and then squeeze, lightly. He whimpers slightly, the guy squeezes again.

 

“I can get more drunk if you want me to be.” He manages to murmur back, more into the guy’s jaw than his ear. The guy laughs and the music blasts again. Baekhyun has the feeling that his head is going to explode, or maybe his dick will explode first, with this guy groping his ass enough to spike his attention and get him wanting more than grinding on someone’s half hard crotch.

“That wouldn’t hurt, I guess.” Baekhyun feels him smiling against his cheek and then leave a peck there, before he’s guiding him out of the crowd, and he’s murmuring more things into his ear, like how he’s going to fuck him after, and how much he likes good boys like him. Baekhyun keeps laughing, he’s not a good boy, but this guy doesn’t need to know. As long as Baekhyun gets his fuck tonight, he can be anybody’s good boy as far as he’s concerned.

 

It’s a moment, really, a moment in which black haired guy guides Baekhyun’s head so that he can look him in the face and tell him how pretty he is -which has Baekhyun almost laughing, because black haired guy definitely doesn’t need to coax him to get into his pants, thank you very much- that Baekhyun gets a glimpse of Jongdae’s table.

Jongin and his tall friend from last time seem to have arrived, but all he can focus on, really, is Jongin running his hand down Sehun’s spine while he’s drinking something, Sehun still chatting with Jongdae. Jongin stills his hand midway up and doesn’t remove it, while he looks up and says something to his friend. Tall guy has no name in Baekhyun’s brain. He’s forgotten it the moment they’d been introduced, which is a shame, because tall guy is handsome as well, but he’d also been the only one not to talk to Baekhyun all night when they'd hung out in Eunhaeng-dong last week.

 

“What are you drinking, then?”

 

Black haired guy is caging him against the counter, one hand on it holding his Bloody Mary, while the other has managed to get Baekhyun’s white shirt out of his jeans and he’s playfully sliding his fingers under the waistline. Every millimeter of skin those fingers touch have Baekhyun more and more impatient to just leave and get all of his clothes off, to be touched all over. He can’t wait to completely lose control, whoever the guy is.

“What’s he having?”

The barista is looking at him now, waiting for an answer that Baekhyun hadn’t realized he should’ve been giving. In return he just smiles, his eyes forming two crescents. “A Whiskey Sour.” He’s tapping his fingers on the counter and black haired guy’s hand has gone back to his ass, massaging it distractedly with one hand.

“Is he legal though? He doesn’t look legal to me.”

Baekhyun snaps when black haired guy snorts and the barista’s laughing. “Fuck off I’ve been legal for years, now give me that Whiskey Sour thank you.”

“You sure? He kinda looks like he’s sixteen. Don’t wanna get in trouble, you know, the cops..”

The barista keeps talking like he’s not even there, and black haired guy keeps squeezing his asscheeks although he might be considering the thought that Baekhyun is not legal. Baekhyun is drunk, horny, but he’s definitely not stupid.

“Can I see your ID then?”

Though maybe he is, just a little bit. He snatches black haired guy’s glass from his hands before he can react, and it takes exactly one second for him to throw the content at the barista’s face. And then throw the glass too, which shatters on the floor, luckily for him.

He’s laughing, the alcohol in his system making everything look like it’s a joke. “Fuck you and your ID, I’m fucking twenty-four thank you very much you dipshit..” Black haired guy is gone, Baekhyun just knows because he cannot see that black splotch at the corner of his eyes anymore. He suddenly wants to cry because he still wants to have sex tonight, and now that he’s gone he would have to find someone else which is-

-the barista grabs him by the shirt and pulls him forward, the marble surface of the counter hitting him right in the chest and making breathing hard for a moment. His ribcage hurts and there’s tears at the corner of Baekhyun’s eyes, while he’s gripping at the barista’s hands.

 

“You get out of this club before I get your ass out of here, understood?”

 

There’s spit on the barista’s right eye, and it takes a second for the man to register what’s actually happened. One second in which Baekhyun realizes that he has screwed up today. And pretty bad. “I am. Twenty-four. Understood?” He’s yelling, not even thinking while words leave his mouth and he’s trying to grab yet another glass to throw.

 

The barista must be thirty or something more, with the worst temper ever, but all the does is push Baekhyun back with force and send him against some of the stools behind him.

 

“Get out, you sonofabitch.”

 

His shoulder hurts and Baekhyun tries hard not to look around while he’s propping himself on his elbows. He’s sitting up first, then unsteadily trying to actually stand, without much success. He screwed up, screwed up bad. He never meant for this to happen, it’s so embarrassing, what the hell was he thinking. The stool he’s holding onto while standing up shifts and he’s falling onto his bum again. The barista is still yelling, although Baekhyun cannot hear him, his face in flames, heart pounding so hard it’s covering the music.

 

He finally looks up and the whole club seems to have stopped.

Everyone’s looking at him, everyone. Fuck.

 

“Hey. Come on, it’s Baekhyun right?”

The voice talking to him is not familiar at all, and when Baekhyun looks at the counter, Jongdae seems to be arguing with the Barista, Sehun right next to him, more calmly trying to handle the situation.

“He’s an idiot, a goddamned idiot.” 

The person behind him pushes a couple of stools away but doesn’t bother to put them in their right positions again. He’s focusing on getting Baekhyun back on his feet, one arm looped around his shoulders.

“You’re the idiot, actually.” He mumbles, and finally Baekhyun realizes who’s talking to him. 

“What the hell have you told Jun-K to have him that worked up?” Tall guy is looking at him with a stern face, dark eyes stopping for a moment on Baekhyun’s shirt hanging out of his pants, his belt there, completely undone.

“Let me go.”

Baekhyun is still drunk, not that much horny anymore, but he doesn’t need tall guy to be judging him. Tall guy doesn’t let him go, but nods at Jongin, who’s just a few steps behind Sehun like his guard dog -their pinkies linked, and starts guiding Baekhyun outside the club. 

“You’ve made enough mess for tonight, Baekhyun. Just stop, please?”

Tall guy sounds tired, and Baekhyun wonders what it would be like to have a Jongin guard dog like Sehun, someone who makes sure he doesn’t fuck up everything all the time.

 

Baekhyun sneaks out of tall guy’s grip as soon as they’re outside and the glass door of Ibiza closes behind them. He twirls, panting as if he’s run a marathon, tall guy stopping there and just looking at him with wide eyes and an exasperated expression on his face.

“I think I told you to let me go.” Baekhyun wants to sound angry, tries hard to, but he’s stumbling backwards, bumping into someone and finally when he feels a wall behind his back, he leans against it. It’s freezing cold, and somehow he finds it funny because he starts giggling, and only then does he realize he’s shaking, but sweating as well.

“Yeah, you did. And look how well that turned out for you when I did let you go.” Tall guy sighs and Baekhyun can see him becoming bigger and bigger as he moves closer to him. It doesn’t make any sense and it’s embarrassing, and he doesn’t even know how he’s gotten stuck with Mr Lamp Post all of a sudden. He’d come here to have some fun with Jongdae and then leave with someone, not to be kicked out of the club without anyone to spend the night with. The last time something like this happened was years ago,back in high school when he'd tried to use a fake ID with Jongdae. It hadn’t worked, and Jongdae was -and still is- really bad at lying.

And oh, tall guy is still there, a few steps from him, hands in his pockets.

“Can’t you just go? Why are you here anyway?” He asks, resting his head against the wall, and he’s pretty sure he’s pouting, although he’s mostly lost control of his reactions by now. He closes his eyes, and suddenly realizes that the floor is not steady. It’s swinging. It feels like standing on a wave, his sense of balance almost gone. He can hear his heartbeat, the muffled music from Ibiza coming from somewhere on his left. He could stay here the whole night, if it wasn’t for the fact that.. “.. it’s freezing.”

“It’s because you’re only wearing a shirt and your skinny jeans have holes in them..” Tall guy’s voice is low, just above a whisper really, and something in the back of Baekhyun’s brain thinks that he likes it, he likes it a lot. Then there’s the sound of fabric sliding against other fabric and soon Baekhyun’s eyes are open. “God are you always like this when you’re drunk?”

“Only when people throw me against tables in a club” He mutters in reply, but he cannot stop his eyes from widening in surprise when he notices how tall guy is helping his arm inside the arm hole of his bomber jacket. “And ripped jeans are warmer than you think” he murmurs quietly, words still slurred, he doesn’t feel like yelling anymore.

“It was stools, not tables, Baekhyun.”

 

He doesn’t fight back, lets tall guy guide his other arm as well, then somehow fix the jacket until he can zip it up. He keeps staring. The guy has funny ears and oddly wide eyes and Baekhyun thinks he hadn’t noticed it when he’d first introduced himself. He looks different, peculiar almost, but it makes him look weirdly handsome as well.

“Are you hurting anywhere?”

He shakes his head, moves a couple of tentative steps and nope, everything is still moving too much, the silhouette of the cars blurry, people’s faces still shadowy. “I’m ok..” He manages, although he doesn’t feel ok at all. “Who are you again?”

Tall guy raises and eyebrow and just now Baekhyun realizes how he’s only wearing a black hoodie and a cap, but it doesn’t look like he’s cold. “Park Chanyeol? Jongdae’s friend?” He makes it sound like it’s obvious that Baekhyun should know his name, and just when he’s moving closer, maybe to make sure that Baekhyun hasn’t gotten a concussion from his fall on the stools, Baekhyun speaks again.

“You never talked to me, how am I supposed to know?” He pauses. “And it was rude, if you’re asking me..Park..”

Oh, right. Park Chanyeol, that was the name he’d forgotten. “Chanyeol.” He repeats, and he doesn’t know why Chanyeol’s lips turn up and he’s chuckling.

“Are you still really drunk?” Chanyeol is next to him immediately, one hand between his shoulder blades. “Can you walk?”

“Are you my puppy dog?” He retorts, more aggressively than he thought he would, and immediately feels bad when he notices how tall guy -no, Chanyeol, raises both hands and moves a couple of steps back.

“Just trying to help.. Sorry for that.”

Baekhyun sighs. He’s not usually like this, he doesn’t like to hurt people like this. He really wants to apologize, but somehow the words don’t find their way to his lips and he forgets about it in a minute. That’s why he likes being drunk, it makes everything so much easier, it makes him care less about things he would probably worry about until he’s sick.

 

The street is badly lit, deserted and quiet, except for the first drunk girls of the night already clinging onto their oppa, asking to take them home or to the closest motel, whichever is more convenient. The music, loud, is still playing in the other clubs of the area.

“I’m texting Jongdae, I’ll tell him I’m taking you home.”

Chanyeol and his husky voice are still there, five steps behind him, his fingers quickly tapping something on his phone. The guy’s keeping an eye on Baekhyun as if he was child, and he would probably find it sweet some other day, but he’s still drunk and frustrated enough to find it annoying.

“But nobody asked you to! Look.” He turns around to stare at him and the streetlights are dancing in front of his eyes, planet Earth swings and it only takes a moment for Baekhyun to end up sitting on the street, blinking a couple of times. He groans in frustration, and tall guy - Park Chanyeol- is in front of him, crouching, one hand on the floor for balance, the other on Baekhyun’s shoulder, like a real bro.

And Baekhyun doesn’t want a real bro, he just wants a one night stand, he wants a fuck. But judging by the way Chanyeol’s hand is on his shoulder, he’s got no intention to fuck him, and is probably straight. Baekhyun can’t help but feel a pang of disappointment, and it must show on his face, because Chanyeol is talking soon after.

“I’m looking.” He pauses and he is, he is looking. Baekhyun thought he had a pretty high alcohol tolerance, thought he could drink what he wanted and still be able to walk home on his feet. He thought that throwing up was for newbies and yet, the burning in his stomach, the stars in front of his eyes and his vision going dark are all hinting that he's just ready for that.

He looks up, straight into Chanyeol’s eyes, but says nothing.

“Will you allow me to help you now?” Chanyeol is being too nice, Baekhyun has to admit it, that’s why he finds it annoying. He doesn’t need him, he doesn’t need Jongdae, nor does he need someone like Jongin. As long as he gets to have fun and sleep around he’s fine.

He nods, though, and gives up on whatever speech his mind had prepared for Chanyeol, because he’s hoisting him up and looping his arm around his neck yet again, one hand on Baekhyun’s waist. “Now, where do you live?”

 

Chanyeol calls a cab a few minutes after, which could be ages for all Baekhyun knows. The instinct to throw up grows stronger and stronger as the time goes by, so all he does is cling to the guy for dear life and hope he doesn’t like his bomber jacket that much.

His face is hot, he’s hot but his body is shivering - probably trying to get rid of the alcohol - and soon Chanyeol’s freezing hand is on his forehead, trying to cool him down, keep him focused. He’s nice, Baekhyun doesn’t understand nice, not when he’s sober, definitely not when he’s drunk.

 

By the time the taxi gets there, Baekhyun has tried to chase a cat, yelled at three foreigners passing by and all his brain could register was that Chanyeol’s cologne smelled nice, as did his jacket, and that maybe he would take him home and sleep with him.

The taxi ride is relatively quiet. He dozes off a couple of times, basking in the car’s heat, curled up on the backseat until Chanyeol guides his head on his thigh. “Careful not to throw up in here.” Is all he says, and then the car goes back to silence, interrupted by the soothing voice of the announcer of a night radio program talking about unrequited love and lonely souls.

When they do get to his house, Baekhyun doesn’t immediately realize where they are and what’s going on, but the burning in his stomach is too strong to ignore it. Someone -that Baekhyun assumes is Chanyeol- is guiding his hands to grip on the toilet seat so that he can finally throw up. He does, sour taste on his tongue, scratches at the back of his throat and only then he recognizes the white tiles of his bathroom. His vision is still spotty, his ears are ringing and his stomach hurts, but Chanyeol’s hand is running up and down his back in a slow rhythm and that’s all that matters, really.

“Better now, isn’t it?”

Baekhyun is panting and gripping at his stomach with one hand, his head hanging low. Chanyeol uses a damp towel to clean his mouth and Baekhyun lets his head rest on the toilet seat, until he falls asleep, or loses consciousness. He’s not really sure which is which, but everything is dark and Chanyeol is stroking his back.

 

The light from outside makes him squint and Baekhyun groans, curling up in a ball until he can get his arm to cover his face and maybe go back to sleep. However something -or someone- is moving right next to him, which convinces Baekhyun to force his eyes open and slowly shift the arm blocking his vision.

What he’s met with is not exactly what he’d expected, but his stomach feels like someone has punched it from the inside multiple times and his mouth feels as dry as the Sahara, so he must have been drunk enough yesterday to let someone inside his apartment. This someone being Jongdae’s friend, tall guy.

Chanyeol is sleeping sitting up on the floor, one of his eyes half open. It would make him look scary, if his face didn’t look a bit funny, his mouth hanging open. He’s snoring lightly. The thing that Baekhyun had felt moving was Chanyeol’s arm, which had been touching Baekhyun’s forearm when he’d moved it.

Chanyeol has actually bothered to find his mattress, lay it on the floor and then cover Baekhyun with his jacket, the black piece of clothing splayed next to him. It feels nice, too nice, and Chanyeol hasn’t even gotten into his pants because for once Baekhyun is still dressed. He must have taken Baekhyun's shirt and pants off and replaced them with a green Mickey Mouse loose t-shirt and his pajama sweats, which make an odd contrast with the skinny jeans and white shirt, discarded not too far, on the floor.

“Oh, you’re awake”

Chanyeol makes an odd contrast as well, all lanky trying to stretch his arms and legs, still leaning against the wall of Baekhyun's apartment, his hair a mess. Baekhyun’s house is empty, except for a couple of daiso plastic boxes with his clothes in them and the thin mattress on the floor. The rest, a sad used wooden table and the kitchen counter, are the only furniture Baekhyun owns. School books take most of that space, together with a trash bag containing only _ramyun_ and _tosirac_ boxes forgotten there for god knows how long.

Baekhyun’s apartment or, to be more precise, Baekhyun’s room, feels squalid and empty most of the time, which is why Jongdae and the others have never been there and Baekhyun never invites anyone. Chanyeol, though, he seems to fill the space next to the makeshift bed quite well, and he’s smiling too. 

“Why didn’t you leave? I was fine.” Baekhyun tries standing up and feign confidence he doesn’t have. The floor doesn’t swing, the light from outside is not dancing in front of his eyes. The low burn in his stomach is all that’s left of yesterday. Baekhyun kind of wishes there was more.

“You fell asleep on the toilet seat and before that you’d half thrown up on your shirt. You weren’t fine.” Chanyeol is standing up as well now, and he’s tall. He was tall yesterday night as well, but Baekhyun hadn’t really noticed. He reaches just above his shoulder, although Chanyeol seems to have quite a hunched posture anyway.

“How do you think I manage every time I get drunk, Park Chanyeol?”

“That’s what I was wondering as well, to be honest.” He’s holding his jacket, maybe preparing to leave. He shakes it a bit, then he's walking past Baekhyun and folding it to leave it on the backrest of the chair. Baekhyun finds himself thinking that Chanyeol looks like he belongs there. The one-room feels like Chanyeol’s house more than it feels like Baekhyun’s. It’s annoying, once again, and once again Baekhyun is too slow to reply.

“So.” He’s suddenly peeping into empty cupboards, then Baekhyun’s fridge without even asking, as if they’ve been friends forever. Then, maybe, that’s Park Chanyeol’s style and who’s Baekhyun to argue? “How long since you moved here, Byun Baek?”

 

Byun. Baek.

 

There’s only one person who calls him that, and it’s Jongdae. Baekhyun has decided to keep it like that, but Chanyeol is not even looking at him, too busy snatching the only apple that has survived the empty fridge of Byun -healthy food is expensive- Baekhyun, and washing it under the sink. He’s using informal speech all of a sudden, Baekhyun never allowed him, but he’s too lazy to correct him, he let it slide.

Baekhyun sighs, and it’s weird, because tall guy hadn't talked to him when they’d been introduced, not the first day he’d decided to hang out with Jongdae, nor the following times when they'd met in a bar or a a cafe. “What’s with the nickname now?” He can feel Chanyeol’s eyes moving from somewhere on the apple to him, and focusing there, while Baekhyun’s voice subconsciously goes a bit louder, angry almost. “You never actually talked to me, I was sure you wanted nothing to do with me and now you’re acting like we’re friends.”

Chanyeol shrugs, then bites the apple as if he hasn't even heard him. It’s frustrating and Baekhyun’s head is throbbing because of the hangover. He may or may not have thought Chanyeol was hot, the first time he’d seen him, but he definitely isn’t thinking that now, when Chanyeol is leaning on the counter in his kitchen, asking questions, being friendly.

“Well, breaking news, we’re not.”

He mutters, still keeping a distance and never dropping the honorific, but there’s no strength in his reply, his voice a murmur as he goes back to sit on his mattress on the floor, his legs crossed. He pats the mattress absentmindedly, as if looking for something he can’t find, and he squints his eyes a couple of times. Baekhyun loves the loss of control he gets with the alcohol, but he wishes it didn’t come with side effects, like how his eyes get worse than they usually are because of the headache.

“I know I’ve been asking since yesterday, but..” Park Chanyeol has this thing where he doesn’t yell and he speaks really quietly, as if he’s talking to a scared puppy and not a person. Park Chanyeol has a deep voice, it hits the lowest notes Baekhyun has ever heard and it unleashes this weird tingling sensation in his stomach. Park Chanyeol is squatting in front of him and is cleaning his glasses with the hem of the white t-shirt he’s apparently wearing under his black hoodie. “Are you really ok? Does your head hurt?”

He pauses and is holding Baekhyun’s glasses for him to take. “You fell on some stools, you hit your shoulders and butt pretty bad and I’m surprised you didn’t throw up your soul as well. That’s why I’m asking if you’re ok, I don’t wanna be bossy, I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun is speechless and Chanyeol is staring at him with wide eyes, making him feel naked and definitely too close to someone that he learned the name of only a few hours earlier. Chanyeol seems to keep waiting for an answer that Baekhyun doesn’t know how to give, so he just nods, and puts his glasses back on. His eyes puffy, his whole face a bit puffy, really, he quickly jerks up and walks away.

“Light headache and I think my shoulder will bruise but it’s nothing major.” He gives up, spares one glance at what’s left of the apple on the small wooden table and goes back to Chanyeol. “And I moved here last semester, when I came back from the army. I’m a third year student now.”

He offers a small smile, but Chanyeol’s one is a bit wider, a bit brighter, a bit better and Baekhyun is yet again sighing.

“See? We’re talking now. We’re friends!” And for once Baekhyun wishes it was that easy.

 

“Wait, I forgot to ask the ajumma not to put cucumbers in that, give it here.”

Baekhyun looks up and for a moment he freezes, because it’s been three weeks and he still can’t get used to seeing Chanyeol next to him all the time, his nose and ears -peeking out of his cap- red for the cold. Chanyeol who studies to become a veterinarian, who has a blind cat and a limping huge dog he found abandoned on the streets, who buries his mouth and chin into his scarf, diligently removing slice by slice every single piece of cucumber he can find in Baekhyun’s kimbap.

Chanyeol is kind and Baekhyun has a weak heart that must have some problems, it skips a beat when Chanyeol does these small things, from buying rice for him so that he doesn’t have to eat _ramyun_ once again, to rubbing his glasses clean on his shirt, since Baekhyun always forgets to and walks with splotches of god knows what on his lenses, to fishing out cucumbers from kimbap for him. 

Baekhyun has a weak heart and a strong will, and that will doesn’t stop him from seeing other people, sleeping with strangers to the point that he doesn’t actually remember who he’s already slept with.

He knows there have been rumors, especially since last time with his _sunbae_ , and he’s learned to deal with judging stares at the school Economy Newspaper club. Those somehow must be linked to the weird texts he’s been getting regularly, from people wanting to sleep with him, to others just insulting him. It’s how life turns out for you, if you can’t keep a secret, and Baekhyun has decided to accept that as well and move on.

“Here.”

His lips curl up in a smile and he pushes his glasses up his nose slightly with his knuckles, before he finally takes the first bite of his kimbap. “I saw you a couple of days ago.” Chanyeol says, munching on his sausage, the neon light of the convenience store making his hair look lighter than the usual brown Baekhyun is used to. “In that beer place, I mean.”

“Ah, with Erik and his friends.” He nods, takes another bite and his gaze falls on the cucumber slices forgotten in the aluminum foil on the red table, next to the microwave. There’s an old k-pop song playing in the background and Baekhyun can hear the buzzing of the ajumma’s phone airing some corny soap opera. Chanyeol is handsome even with ketchup smeared on his chin, and Baekhyun’s heart hiccups once again.

Him and Sehun had planned a James Bond movie marathon a while ago, but they’d ended up spilling gossip about Jongdae and Seulgi kissing in the back of the biology lab. Then, in the darkness of the room while licking off _ramyun_ powder from his fingertips, Sehun had said that maybe he loves Jongin, because his heart beats really fast when Jongin smiles.

Baekhyun’s heart has only hiccups, and he’s quite sure that only happens because he’s not slept with Chanyeol yet. They haven’t had sex, so maybe the hiccup is just Baekhyun's dick speaking. Maybe.

“We had a lot of beer, those guys really know how to hold their alcohol.” Chanyeol chuckles and shakes his head, still eyeing Baekhyun every now and then when he thinks Baekhyun’s not looking. It strikes him as odd, so he checks his reflection on his phone screen: he’s got nothing on his face, but his glasses are dirty again.

“Beer is literally from their country, what did you expect?” This time it’s Baekhyun’s turn to smile and he shrugs, as Chanyeol continues. “You do seem like the popular guy Byun Baek, Jongdae was right.”

“And what does Jongdae say?” He asks, almost challenging, still munching on a piece of kimbap, while Chanyeol’s already distractedly biting on the wooden stick left from his sausage.

“That you’re the king of the alcohol games, and that you know a lot of people.” For some reason Chanyeol makes it sound like he’s just trying to know more, and maybe he does, judging by the way he’s looking up, his lips slightly curved down in a pout, his hair messy.

“I am.” He raises a hand, his index straight up, his mouth still full. “The king of the alcohol games, thank you.”

Chanyeol reaches out and curls his index behind his thumb, Baekhyun squints his eyes and waits for the flick. Yeah, they’re talking now, they’re friends. “The king of my ass.. You’re as thin as this fucking stick who are you kidding exactly?”

Then Baekhyun kicks him on the shin, and Chanyeol throws the stick at him. The ahjumma is chasing them out after Baekhyun starts making small balls with the aluminum foil and throwing them at Chanyeol.

Baekhyun's heart has the hiccup and love is a cage.

 

.

 

_shin-i nanda, jaemi nanda.. the. game. of. death. ___

__

__There’s a roar of laughter and faces that Baekhyun has never seen in his life are pointing at one another. The guy sitting cross legged in front of him, they’ve been calling him Zico but apparently it’s not his real name, is pointing at him with a face that literally says I don’t give a shit. Baekhyun’s finger hesitates for a second, then points at the girl next to him, cute, foreigner, with freckles and a long bob. She smiles at him, Baekhyun smiles back._ _

___Fourteen!_ _ _

__Sanghyuk, yells, then starting from him he follows the intricate pattern of fingers, jumping from Minho to Jimin, to Yoongi, then when it’s clear that Zico and Wonwoo, sitting next to Baekhyun, are pointing at each other, Sanghyuk crawls a bit forward, towards them, and starts counting._ _

__

___1! 2! 3! 4!… 14!_ _ _

__

__There’s a general _aaaaah_ and Baekhyun himself is yelling and handing out a mug full of _soju_ mixed with beer for Wonwoo to drink. Wonwoo goes pale and Sanghyuk is emptying two bottles of _soju_ and one of beer in a small pot this time around, meaning that whoever loses in the next round is extremely likely to win a one way ticket to toilet land._ _

__Baekhyun, living up to his name of King of Games, has been starting most of the activities for the first half of the evening, winning at least five out of the more or less ten they’ve played and coming out mostly sober from those he’s lost. He’s fairly tipsy, which makes his laughter louder, his eyes sparkly and his cheeks flushed. He’s not made a move on anyone tonight, something is stopping him and he cannot really point out what it is. Or maybe he can._ _

__They guy who invited him works at Ahjussi, the samgyeopsal place where he’d been a regular with his _sunbae_ , before they stopped calling him out. He’s always been clingy, from the first time he’d given Baekhyun and the others more meat than they’d ordered. Baekhyun had left really late and they’d shared a beer. _ _

__“Hyung, you came!” Suddenly he’s hugging him from behind, while Wonwoo is still trying to empty his mug and people are hitting him on the back. He’s choking, everyone laughs._ _

__“Wonwoo we don’t have all night come on!” Sungjae -the guy who invited Baekhyun, is still hugging him. He stamps a noisy playful kiss on Baekhyun’s cheek, then finally sits behind him, his legs kind of caging Baekhyun there. Sungjae is not gay, he’s even got a girlfriend, but he has that kind of personality that makes him act more like a puppy than a person._ _

__It’s Wonwoo’s turn now, and he doesn’t look that good to be honest, but he claps his hands once, then hits his knees following the rhythm of the song. Everyone joins him soon after, Sungjae holding Baekhyun’s wrists and guiding his hands, clapping for him._ _

__

___shin-i nanda, jaemi nanda.. the. game. of. death._ _ _

__

__Baekhyun has played the game of death enough times in his life to know that when the time for the drinking out of a pan has come, it’s also time to leave the game if you don’t want to really be sick for the rest of the night. He knows that, and yet, he’s pointing his finger in Zico’s direction, a grin on his lips, because he knows Zico is going to choose him as he’s done for the last three rounds, although Baekhyun has avoided him._ _

__

__Twelve!_ _

__

__The spiderweb of arms is ready and it’s as easy for Baekhyun as it is for Wonwoo to pick up the triangle forming with Baekhyun, Yoongi and Zico at each end. Everyone else is just cheering at this point, the girl with freckles giggling and whispering something in Zico’s ear, Sungjae going back to hugging Baekhyun’s torso, his head propped on his shoulder._ _

__Wonwoo is already wasted, he counts slowly and slurring his words, but by the time he’s reached twelve Zico is laughing and Yoongi is lying on the floor, panting hard with a hand on his chest. “Oh god that was close!” Jimin is lightly patting him on the forehead. There’s a chorus of ‘Byunbaek’ starting from Sungjae himself, his arms releasing Baekhyun and reaching for the _ramyun_ pot. The _soju_ in there looks more like piss than alcohol and Baekhyun wants to gag already._ _

__He fakes a smile and picks it up with both hands. “ALRIGHT!” He yells, forcing himself to find that insane amount of alcohol appealing and then he’s sipping at it._ _

__It’s all he needs, the sour taste of _soju_ burning his throat, toned down by the sweetness of the foreign beer they’ve mixed in it and Baekhyun can’t stop. He’s gulping on the alcohol even when his gag reflex kicks in and makes him choke a bit._ _

__

___One shot! One shot!_ _ _

__

__It’s not a shot, it’s a whole pot full of _somaek_ , it’s definitely too much to drink in one go, but Baekhyun is the King of Games and cannot lose this one. Keeps drinking even when a bit of the _soju_ trickles down the side of his lips, dripping down his chin and neck. Someone seems to find it funny, yelling a “Look at that fucker!”_ _

__Finally there’s nothing left in the pot and Baekhyun raises it up above his head and then flops to the floor, the pot hitting it hard. “DONE! BLOODY HELL, DONE!” He squints his eyes and multiple people are hitting him on the back, calling him names that outside this context might be a bit offensive, but at this point Baekhyun just finds them funny._ _

__“Now you guys continue, I’ve done my job here.” He stretches, his hands closing on his elbows and arms raised above his head, Sungjae still behind him waits for Baekhyun to stand up, so that he can smack his bum once and push him away, to take his place._ _

__

___shin-i nanda!_ _ _

__

__He’s got no idea who’s apartment this is, but it’s crowded and Baekhyun just wants to take a breath because the alcohol he’s just drank is taking over and it’s making him feel lightheaded. It’s as if he’s got no weight at all when he opens the door to the apartment without a jacket and the cold air of December freezes his hands and nose all at once._ _

__The foyer is badly lit, reeks of smoke and _ramyun_ and it’s occupied by a few people only, some murmuring in pairs sharing cigarettes, one sitting on the floor sleeping. Baekhyun stumbles forward, leaving the door ajar behind him and following the surface of the wall with his fingertips. He hides his chin and nose in the neckline of his hoodie and sits on the stairs a couple of steps from the next floor._ _

__He can feel that warm sensation that creeps under his skin whenever he’s getting drunk and he grips at the border of the steps with his hands, the cold marble soothing, refreshing._ _

__A few minutes or a few hours pass in absolute silence, the distant noise of laughter from inside the apartment, Baekhyun has his head cradled on his knees, his eyes closed, he feels like floating._ _

__Until a touch jerks him back to the present._ _

__

__Someone’s nudging his shoulder lightly, then tapping a couple of times until Baekhyun opens his eyes and looks up, focusing on a face he’s never seen before._ _

___Hey, Seungyoon._ _ _

__Someone’s calling him from the apartment but the guy, black hair with bangs, almond eyes and a denim jacket turns around and waves his hand, effectively chasing away whoever had called him and turning back to Baekhyun with an expressionless face._ _

__He’s still holding a cigarette between his middle and ring finger, rivulets of smoke drawing weirdly shaped clouds in the air.  
Baekhyun hates the smell of smoke._ _

__“You’re Byun Baekhyun, right?” He’s asking, but his expression doesn’t change, not even for a second, even when he takes a drag from his cigarette and blows it away. Baekhyun just nods, words have left him the moment he’s sat on the stairs shutting the party away and letting the alcohol do his job and make him drowsy._ _

__The guy looks around at a few people there around them, as if to make sure that nobody’s listening to them, then meets his gaze and Baekhyun just knows what’s gonna come after._ _

__“Wanna fuck?”_ _

__Baekhyun should ask himself why the guy’s come directly to him to ask, how does he know his name, why is he asking that as if it’s a given, he’s Byun Baekhyun and he’s up for a fuck. His mind goes back to the text messages, the whispers he’s heard in class._ _

__Something’s holding him back tonight and it’s the first time it happens. It scares him, much like the first day he’d gotten drunk to the point he didn’t know where he was and he’d just let someone else take control. Of all days he’s could be offered to fuck, it’s happening today, when he really doesn't want to be sitting on those stairs, when he really doesn't want some stranger touch him._ _

__

__“Yeah ok.”_ _

__

__Seungyoon circles one of his wrist to help him push himself up and walks ahead showing the way back into the apartment, then into a smaller corridor. The lights are switched off and the party is still going on, people are laughing. There’s a loud chorus of _drink drink drink!_ from the living room. Baekhyun is not thinking, or maybe he’s thinking too much. He could just leave. This guy, Seungyoon, is not keeping him there. He just looks back once to check if Baekhyun is following and when he’s finally in front of what looks like a bedroom, he just tilts his head and cracks the door open._ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t hesitate, walks ahead and gets inside, the lights are off and the window on the right creates patterns on a single bed. He feels a hand on his neck and he instantly pushes to the back of his brain whatever thought was making him hesitate. His mind goes blank and he focuses on that hand, on that touch only._ _

__The hand is soon replaced by a pair of lips leaving a kiss on his neck, almost tender at first, then wet and sticky. Baekhyun doesn’t have to time to process that it’s probably going to leave a mark, because Seungyoon slips his hands in his jeans back pockets first, squeezes, then his hands sneak under Baekhyun’s hoodie and he, once again, lets go._ _

__

__Seungyoon never kisses him on the lips, not when they’re standing and his fingers are ghosting on Baekhyun’s abs, not when he pushes him on the bed and hovers over him. He doesn’t even get near Baekhyun’s face and looks like he doesn’t see him while he helps him peel off his jeans and boxers, then palms his thighs._ _

__It feels exactly as he’d put it in the first place, it’s just a fuck, it’s just skin against skin, sweat, spit. Baekhyun is moaning when fingers close on his shaft, he tilts his hips up, gripping at the other’s shoulders and letting the ghost of arousal pool in his groin, while the other jerks him off as if he’s not actually there._ _

__Baekhyun has slept with multiple people, at least a dozen of them and he’s always felt the thrill of being turned on, that electricity flowing in his veins and fingers that feel like fire on the skin. He’s never loved nor known these people and yet he could feel something, whether it was lust or real feelings, he wouldn’t know. At the moment, though, he’s only thinking about how much skin he has, and how much he just wants Seungyoon to stop touching and kissing and just put it in already._ _

__In a pang of frustration Seungyoon is fumbling with Baekhyun’s hoodie with his free hand. He pulls it off from over his head and throws it somewhere behind them - it lands on the floor with a muffled sound. The hand on his dick is gone and Baekhyun groans both in frustration and relief, while Seungyoon rolls him over and he can push his face into the pillow and concentrate on the climax he’s so desperately waiting for._ _

__There’s the distinctive sound of the lube cap being opened somewhere, behind him, and it sounds so loud in the empty room, maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the fact that for once Baekhyun’s heart is not drumming in his chest. Seungyoon spreads his legs first, his asscheeks after and Baekhyun whimpers at the cold touch of fingers grazing his rim and then, finally, tentatively pushing in._ _

__Seungyoon is not gentle, he fucks like he doesn’t give a shit and he probably doesn’t. He manhandles Baekhyun like he’s made of plastic, pounding into him, relentless, and leaving him hanging multiple times, until all Baekhyun wants is to come so bad he’s gripping at the bedsheets, begging._ _

__

__He finally climaxes with a cry, the sensation so thin and almost imperceptible that it’s frustrating, it’s missing something. Seungyoon, on the other hand rides his own orgasm until he just collapses next to Baekhyun and pulls out. Baekhyun snorts, and kind of envies him._ _

__Heavy breathing is all that’s filling the silence in the room, the sounds coming from outside being distant and muffled despite the thin walls. For some reason, while staring at the ceiling, his chest heaving, Baekhyun thinks about Jongin’s hand on Sehun’s back. It says ‘I’m here, I got you’, and Baekhyun suddenly gets it, he gets what was holding him back and, all of a sudden, he can’t breathe._ _

__

__._ _

__

__The first time he did it, it was scary._ _

__

__Waking up in someone else’s bed is always somewhat scary, especially when you don’t remember where you are and who you’ve slept with. However, leaving is always worst part for Baekhyun. He feels out of place picking up his clothes scattered in empty rooms._ _

__He almost never dreams in these cases, he passes out because of exhaustion and all he can see is black behind his eyelids, until he wakes up with a gasp in a sudden reminder that he’s not in his bed and that he doesn’t know what whoever it is that he’s slept with is going to do to him. This one time, though, it’s a bit different._ _

__He’s feeling good, especially good. Someone’s hands are carding his hair lightly, touching his shoulder. They’re warm, so all Baekhyun wants to do is bask in the sensation, and without him even knowing, he snuggles closer so that the hand on his shoulder keeps touching him, maybe warm up the rest of his body as well._ _

___Baekhyun?_ _ _

__It’s more of a whisper, but it’s enough to breach the fog of drowsiness. Because someone is stroking his hair and that’s not good if he can’t react to that, if he doesn’t know what’s happening after. He blinks a couple of times, enough to get accustomed to the dim light of the room. It’s still dark, that much he can tell, and it’s cold._ _

__“Hyun-ah.”_ _

__Chanyeol doesn’t remove his hand from his hair, keeps brushing through it with his fingers and he sweeps away Baekhyun’s bangs with a thumb, then gently rubs his temple. Park Chanyeol is there and Baekhyun’s naked, another guy is breathing heavily beside him. Park Chanyeol has got a blank expression and bed hair, he looks tired. There’s no more noise seeping through the walls, the party must be long finished, the air in the room feels thick and heavy with sex and Chanyeol is there._ _

__Baekhyun jolts awake, instantly jerking back, the guy behind him groans in disapproval, while Chanyeol’s got one finger in front of his lips. “Be quiet.” he whispers, then lets go of his shoulder and it’s Baekyun’s turn to almost groan in disapproval. Only because he’s cold, he wants that hand back where it was._ _

__Chanyeol’s face breaks into a weak smile and Baekhyun tries to sit up without waking up Seungyoon, the guy’s face buried under a pillow right next to him. He might have overdone it a bit, his butt hurts and he winces. The smile on Chanyeol’s face fades after that, as he hands him a pair of briefs, then stands up and starts looking around the room, scratching the back of his head._ _

__Baekhyun is not sure anymore if this is not even scarier than waking up alone next to someone who's practically a stranger. His heart is beating so fast he can feel it in his throat and all he can see is how Chanyeol recognizes then picks up his t-shirt, his socks -that he’s got no memory of taking off at all, then his sweater and only finally his jeans._ _

__There’s something sticking out of the back pocket that falls when Chanyeol folds the jeans on his forearm, and Baekhyun instantly knows what it is. Chanyeol just picks the two bills of 50.000 won and stares, too long for Baekhyun’s liking, enough to create a void in his chest, until Chanyeol’s expression goes back to being unreadable and he just puts the money back where he found it._ _

__Is he getting paid now? It’s almost funny, because at least he can afford to buy a new blanket for his freezing apartment without having to ask his mom. It’s just money, after all. Isn’t it?_ _

__Chanyeol is back to crouching in front of him, his eyes cast low, his hoodie hiding his eyes. Baekhyun thinks he’s going to choke, he’s speechless, hungover and doesn’t really understand what’s going on. Baekhyun’s got a weak heart and for a moment he’s almost afraid Chanyeol can hear it, racing._ _

__“Why..are you here?” His voice cracks a bit and he wishes it didn’t. His head darts back to Seungyoon there, then goes back to Chanyeol and he can perfectly see how Chanyeol’s expression falls. Only after that, he manages to control it into this blank canvas that Baekhyun can’t read anything on._ _

__He doesn’t get an answer, instead Chanyeol nods at the briefs that Baekhyun is still holding, as if he wasn’t naked in front of him, all sticky and gross, eye bags and hair all over the place. He wears them, quietly, somewhat managing to do that without standing, because the moment he tries to do that, he regrets the decision immediately._ _

__Chanyeol is there the whole time, dark eyes set somewhere behind Baekhyun, even when he’s helping him put on his t-shirt first and his jeans after, sliding them up his legs and again, Baekhyun hopes that he doesn’t find out, that Chanyeol doesn’t find it so obvious that Baekhyun is holding his breath, that his heart is so loud. That there’s this warmth spreading through his veins, simmering almost, when Chanyeol’s treating him like he’s precious to him._ _

__“Headache?”_ _

__Chanyeol murmurs, while guiding Baekhyun’s arms inside the sweater, then pulling the fabric down until everything is covered. He leaves the socks for last, then looks up, holding one of Baekhyun’s feet on his knee, his thumb rubs circles on the bone slightly jutting out on his ankle and waits for Baekhyun’s reply._ _

__It’s just a nod, Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do with his hands, with himself, when he’s feeling like he’s going to explode so he’s just gripping at the covers, looking at Chanyeol’s hands. Chanyeol hums, puts his foot back down and still tries to catch his eyes. Baekhyun allows it for a second and Chanyeol’s lips turn up in a faint smile._ _

__“C’mon, let’s get out of here” He whispers again, and surprisingly enough he’s still crouching, but turns on his heels so that Baekhyun is facing his back._ _

__“I’m not a damsel in distress” It’s all Baekhyun can bring himself to say, but his hands are reaching for Chanyeol’s shoulders already and the other is sneaking his arms under his knees._ _

__“I know, but having you waddle out of here Byunbaek..” He hesitates and stands up with a huff, making sure that Baekhyun is holding on to him steady. “..that’s more embarrassing.”_ _

__

__They leave the room in silence. There’s still people playing cards in the living room and a weird atmosphere in the apartment, too calm in contrast to what it was the night before, no one’s yelling. There’s only empty bottles of _soju_ , piled up here and there on the floor as silent witnesses of the party._ _

__For a moment Baekhyun wonders if someone’s heard them, whose bed that was, if he’s going to get in trouble again, then Chanyeol balances himself so he can pick up something from a table, not too far from where they’d played the game of death and when Baekhyun notices what it is, when he gets a glimpse of the golden frame of his glasses, he finally rests his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. He’s going to be fine, as long as Chanyeol’s there. That’s all he needs to know._ _

__

__._ _

__

__It’s 4.30am, there’s nobody in the streets except for them and the random solitary Taxi driving past them with the ‘Empty Car’ red sign switched on. It’s cold enough that Chanyeol’s breath creates small clouds of steam when he talks or when he huffs, trying to make sure Baekhyun’s not sliding off his back._ _

__“Sungjae called. He couldn’t find you, he didn’t think to check the bedroom.” They’ve been walking in relative silence, except for the occasional comment about how they should’ve taken a cab, instead of walking. “I wasn’t keen on him walking in on you having sex.”_ _

__He says it casually, as if it’s not a big deal and again Baekhyun is not sure what he should answer to that. “I’m sorry..” He mumbles on Chanyeol’s shoulder. It’s quiet for a few seconds until Chanyeol finally answers, craning his head back and allowing Baekhyun to catch a glimpse of his nose, as red as his ears and cheeks._ _

__“For what?”_ _

__Baekhyun shrugs. “I don’t know.” And he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he should feel guilty at all, but he’s got the feeling that Chanyeol’s pained expression, as he looked at him back in that room, could be a damn good reason._ _

__It’s five am when they walk into the manhwa cafe and Chanyeol doesn’t even bother putting Baekhyun down, as he takes off his shoes and distractedly kicks them next to those of the other clients. The cafe is warm, cozy, and the owner just nods sleepily at Chanyeol when they walk past the booth where he’s catching up on some anime._ _

__Jongdae and Sehun are using a booth on the floor, textbooks splayed on their thighs, and they seem to have a mute dialogue with Chanyeol, the moment he carefully lowers Baekhyun to the ground, next to a bunch of pillows. Jongdae smiles, nudging at Baekhyun’s foot, and he’s glad Chanyeol’s brought him here to meet them and not to his empty apartment._ _

__

__Jongin is sitting next to Sehun, his head resting on his shoulder and his leather jacket acting as a makeshift blanket, as Sehun distractedly draws imaginary figures on his knee._ _

__Baekhyun stares, longer than he’s supposed to, until he feels Chanyeol’s hands on his shoulders and looks up, to notice how the idiot is trying to stand inside the small bunk, with very poor results. “Too tall.” he murmurs._ _

__He chuckles and settles behind Baekhyun without really asking his permission. Baekhyun’s taken aback, but doesn’t move away._ _

__Nobody points it out, when Baekhyun finally turns sideways -still sitting between the other’s thighs- and he brings both of his legs to lie on Chanyeol’s lap. Nobody says a thing when Baekhyun rests his head on the crook of his shoulder, as nobody really questions Chanyeol’s hand distractedly rubbing the small of his back._ _

__It’s 5.32 am, and when Baekhyun feels Chanyeol removing his glasses and putting them away, it’s the smallest of gestures, but his heart is gasping once more._ _

__

__._ _

__

__Some things Baekhyun just doesn’t understand. Things like the way Sehun guides Jongin’s head on his shoulder and keeps it there when the latter is dozing off, the backseat of a taxi on their way back home. Or how natural Jongin makes it look to nuzzle Sehun’s nape when they’re in public and he doesn’t want to really hug him, but still wants some contact. He doesn’t grasp how Sehun -who’s actually the most rational of the two- when he’s really upset about something, would start panicking because he needs Jongin there, and he doesn’t want anyone but him._ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t get any of these things. Junhyung had been older, cooler and a ticking bomb when Baekhyun had met him, and their relationship could hardly considered a healthy one, because as much as Junhyung wanted it to be a casual thing, he also wanted Baekhyun to depend on him and him only._ _

__He also had the best timing. Memories of his father yelling at him for being a total failure and a fag on the doorstep of their house, in front of the neighbors, were still hard to deal with. That, and the fact that Junhyung had ignored all of his calls and had pretended not to know him after that, made those memories hurt even more._ _

__Baekhyun had felt trapped in the way he depended on him. He’d despised and admired at the same time the way Junhyung made freedom look appealing._ _

__

__It’s ten pm, it’s snowing outside and Baekhyun’s one room is just warm enough for him not to be freezing under layers of clothing, condensation on the one big window facing outside, as his fingers lazily trace bunnies and imaginary animals on the glass surface as he’s sitting, knees up to his chest. He’s bundled up in one of Jongdae’s sweaters that he’d stolen from his best friend some time last spring, when he’d caught a cold and Jongdae wanted to make sure he didn’t die._ _

__He’s catching up on his tv series, Zooey Deschanel says something corny on the screen and Jake Johnson turns it into a joke that Baekhyun has to look up on google because Korean subtitles are weird. There’s empty bottles of bleach and dye in the trash and Baekhyun knuckles his glasses up his nose, the light of the screen reflecting on the lenses._ _

__He almost misses the knocking, muffled by the fake laughter of the tv show, but his eyes dart to the door with the usual beep of the pass code being pressed in. He knows exactly who it is when the door beeps three times to signal that the passcode was the correct one._ _

__“I thought we’d agreed that you shouldn’t come here without asking Yeol.” He fakes an annoyed voice, smiling, so it doesn’t look that convincing while his eyes go back to the screen for a moment, as Zooey Deschanel throws away a perfectly functioning mug and he chuckles, drawing his knees up closer to his torso._ _

__“Watch this with me since you’re here.” He pats the space on the mattress right next to him and his eyes go back to the tall silhouette of Chanyeol, still standing in the orange light of the entrance when the whole house is dark. “Have you brought food?” He’s cheerful, he’s always cheerful when Chanyeol is there because Chanyeol means smiles and having a good time._ _

__He’s bubbly as always, until he looks up at Chanyeol’s face and something’s wrong because he is not talking and he’s just standing there, his eyes on the ground. And although Chanyeol doesn’t talk as much as Jongdae does, he’s definitely more talkative than this._ _

__“What are you doing there like an idiot?” His voice is uncertain now as he pushes the laptop away, and he’s ready to stand up and find out for himself, when Chanyeol finally not only speaks but also moves and the entrance light switches off._ _

__“I..” It’s just a syllable. Baekhyun nervously snorts in reply, since he’s never seen Chanyeol like this. This is not the Chanyeol he knows, the one that can be serious and make really bad jokes at the same time._ _

__“What the hell Chanyeol-” Whatever he’d got to say he forgets, and he just blinks at him in the darkness as Chanyeol walks over, then kneels and crawls until he’s sitting behind Baekhyun. Soon there’s arms around his waist, Chanyeol’s head pressing heavily on his shoulder and his body -warm- flushed against his back. It has taken a couple of seconds for Chanyeol to hug him, but Baekhyun’s heart is much faster in reacting, beating fast, loud._ _

__

__“Yeol what’s wrong?” He murmurs, as he tries to push his arms away to be able to turn and look him in the face, he needs to see his face, he wants to, but Chanyeol only tightens the grip and presses harder, closer, his breath hot through the fabric of Baekhyun’s sweater._ _

__“Please just.. just stay like this. Just a moment.” Baekhyun can feel fingers timidly following the hollows of his ribs. And even though is brain is all over the place, telling him he shouldn’t be enjoying the way he’s not that cold anymore, the way Chanyeol’s fingers tickle but actually feel nice on the fabric - and would maybe feel better on the skin, not even in a sexual way- Chanyeol suddenly hugs him a bit tighter with a sigh, and is brain goes blank._ _

__They stay there in silence, for a while, until there’s something wet on his skin and Baekhyun cannot be still anymore. “Yeol are you crying?” The show is still playing, Nick, Winston and Coach are doing someone’s impressions as Chanyeol shakes his head directly on Baekhyun’s back. “Chanyeol you’re crying tell me what’s wrong.”_ _

__Baekhyun’s kept his hands idle until now, but the way Chanyeol’s nose casually rubs on his neck makes him crave to actually touch him, make him feel better somehow. He doesn’t know what that buzzing in his chest is, but his hands are moving on their own, one reaching for Chanyeol’s head propped against his shoulder, the other latches to Chanyeol’s one on his abdomen._ _

__“Do you want me to call Sehun?” he asks, tentatively, almost shy, and he doesn’t know why he has the feeling he’d be a bit disappointed if the answer was yes. Sehun is Chanyeol’s best friend since they were little, after all, and the things Sehun knows about the other Baekhyun will never have access to. Surprisingly, Chanyeol shakes his head once more, his nose rubs against Baekhyun’s skin and his sweater’s collar, eyelashes tickle his neck as he blinks and hugs tighter. “No, you.” he pauses and Baekhyun’s heart gasps. He closes his eyes shut and hopes that Chanyeol doesn’t speak again, because whatever he’s feeling is not good. “I want you. Please, just for five minutes and I’ll leave.”_ _

__He breaths out a sigh, then strokes Chanyeol’s hair lightly, the messy locks winding around his fingers and just hums. He doesn’t really want Chanyeol to go, despite what his brain is saying, Chanyeol’s breath fanning against his skin is too good to push him away, and maybe it’s ok to be weak, once in awhile._ _

__“We had to put down Darth Vader today.”_ _

__Baekhyun had laughed, when Chanyeol had told him the name of the dog that kept visiting, with his thirteen years old owner, the clinic where he works part time. Who calls their dog _Darth Vader, anyway?_ Chanyeol had been quick to reply, someone whose dog is apparently so ill that won’t live longer than a few months. Chanyeol had chuckled, with eyes a bit sad, as he’d explained how the kid was a sucker for Star Wars and had wanted his dog to have the same name as the strongest Jedi turned Sith of the galaxy. _ _

__“He was in so much pain that Jinwoo didn’t know what to do anymore.” He murmurs, and Baekhyun intertwines his fingers with those of Chanyeol’s hand, still there, circling his waist._ _

__

__He doesn’t want to tell Chanyeol how he’s done everything in his power, that maybe Darth Vader is in Dogs Heaven now and is happier there, because Chanyeol is obviously not happy. “It’s ok Yeol.” he whispers. It’s ok to feel guilty, it’s ok to feel sad. He keeps caressing his hair until Chanyeol’s breath is back to a quiet regular pace and Baekhyun’s heart feels a little bit more at ease as well. It seems simple, it feels simple. There’s silence again and it’s definitely longer than the five minutes Chanyeol had begged for._ _

__“Your hair smells nice.”_ _

__Baekhyun snorts and as he feels Chanyeol loosen his grip around his waist and he pulls away so that he can turn around and look at him. “You’re disgustingly ugly when you cry, are you aware of that?” And it’s true. Chanyeol is a mess, red cheeks and puffy eyes that widen visibly when he focuses on Baekhyun’s hair. “You changed it!” Baekhyun smiles a weak smile and shrugs._ _

__“I changed it. How is it?” And he tilts his head to the side with a smug smile, then turns it into an attempt to make the perfect sex face. He instantly regrets it, though, when he realizes that Chanyeol and him are not in that kind of relationship._ _

__“Still damp.” There’s no reaction from the other, as he just takes a strand of hair between his fingers himself, then he ruffles Baekhyun’s fringe and slowly, almost too carefully, peels off his glasses. There it is, he stops breathing from the way Chanyeol is looking at him, but it’s a second before he is hugging Baekhyun again and pulling him down with him, as he lies down on Baekhyun’s mattress._ _

__“Park Chanyeol what the fuck?”_ _

__He tries to scurry away, pushing against Chanyeol’s shoulders, his heart beating fast now. The fucker is just chuckling, his grip not even that strong, but strong enough to keep Baekhyun where he wants him. They’ve hugged before, jokingly, but Baekhyun is pretty sure that this hug doesn’t count as a joke. Also, the way Chanyeol’s laughter resonates in the room and makes him want to melt in his arms is definitely not a joke._ _

__“Shut up Byun-ass you talk too much.” And ‘Byun-ass’ is still half splayed on him, half on the mattress, when Chanyeol slowly moves him so that he’s effectively hugging Baekhyun’s small frame with one arm, the other acting as a pillow._ _

__“Are you still watching that?” Chanyeol’s voice is deep, there’s still a tiny bit of sadness there, however the worse seems to be over. It’s Baekhyun’s turn to hum, as his eyes go to the laptop screen. He can’t see that well without his glasses, everything turned into a blurry moving image, but he doesn’t care about the show at this point._ _

__“Hyun?”_ _

__“Mh?” He tilts his head up that much, to meet Chanyeol’s gaze, and there’s soft lips on his -a hand holding the back of his head in place._ _

__

__It’s a brief kiss, but Chanyeol takes his time to taste his lips, moving slowly, kissing him. Sweet and attentive. His fingers end up carding Baekhyun’s ash brown hair, his thumb following blindly the shape of his head, the shell of his ear. A small storm unleashes in Baekhyun’s heart and a shiver runs down his body as he forgets how to put thoughts together because Chanyeol’s kissing him, his lips are soft and the sensation is overwhelming. His eyes are closed as he’s clutching the fabric of Chanyeol’s hoodie, he wants the kiss to last more, to just be _more_. He doesn’t push him away. _ _

__He kisses back._ _

__

__They don’t talk about it._ _

__It’s cold and they’re still hugging when the New Girl episode starts replaying on the computer and Baekhyun’s too lazy to turn it off. He hides his face in Chanyeol’s sweater only because he’s really warm and really big and because he would potentially have sex with him, which is effectively what’s causing his heart all these problems, isn’t it?_ _

__Chanyeol brushes his lips on his hair and there’s goosebumps on Baekhyun’s skin._ _

__Maybe it isn’t._ _

__“I like it. Your hair.”_ _

__Chanyeol leaves the morning after, when Baekhyun is whining because it’s cold and the _nanbang_ is too expensive and Chanyeol is hella noisy._ _

__They don’t talk about the kiss, but even after a while it’s still there, lingering, the salty taste of Chanyeol’s tears on his lips, the touch of his fingers through his hair._ _

__

__._ _

__

__Jongin’s birthday comes around and with it comes a new wave of snow and that kind of icy cold wind that feels like someone’s stabbing your face with thousands of needles whenever you get brave enough to leave the house._ _

__

__And Baekhyun is brave more often than not, simply because his one room is even colder than the street outside and Baekhyun only has two solutions for his problem. Number one, is drinking until he forgets where he is and let the alcohol burn in his veins and convince his body that he’s not shivering at all, number two is sneaking into Jongdae’s house when he really can’t take the cold anymore, ignore the other’s mumbles about fucking paying for _nanbang_ and falling asleep on his bed under three layers of blankets._ _

__Jongdae is a nice friend and never complains. He doesn’t complain when Baekhyun is sober and rolls himself like a burrito into his Spiderman blanket next to him to watch tv and steal his chips, and neither does he when Baekhyun is as conscious as a blind jellyfish sputtering nonsense about why Chanyeol’s ears could detect messages from alien civilizations._ _

__Jongin’s birthday party at Jongdae’s house presents itself with the best opportunity to use both of Baekhyun’s remedies against the cold when he gets invited to a meeting with his club members and they end up in the usual _suljib_ with four empty bottles of _soju_ and two of _makkolli_ on their tables._ _

__At that point he’s not even that cold anymore, so he definitely doesn’t need the oldest of his _sunbae_ to subtly slip a hand under his sweater and leave it on the small of his back, for no reason. He doesn’t want the contact and his stomach is still burning thanks to the last bottle of saké that Andrew, the only foreign guy in the group, had insisted for them to order._ _

__Sungyeol _sunbae_ smiles at him and strokes his back almost affectionately, hints at his shot with his chin in order to make Baekhyun pour it for him, his fucking hand is still there. Nobody notices, the conversation still going strong in English between Andrew and Namgyu, while Baekhyun’s brain gave up half an hour ago, when the conversation shifted from food to the whole genealogy of Andrew’s ancestors._ _

__He pours the drink, absent mindedly, then when Sungyeol’s hand slides to his hip, he knows he needs to leave._ _

__

__._ _

__

__“Yo, Byunbaek’s here.”_ _

__It’s past midnight when he’s met with Jongdae’s face at the door, so he’s technically late for the party but perfectly on time to wish Jongin happy birthday._ _

__“Are you drunk? You reek of _soju_ , dear god, stay away from me.” Baekhyun laughs, kicks his shoes off at the entrance and makes a move to breath out, mouth wide open, right at Jongdae’s face._ _

__“Stay away I said, you dipshit!” He shoves him away, his arm being the only thing preventing Baekhyun from splaying on the wall. He’s still giggling, taking his jacket off. “I know you love me Jongdae-ya.” His stomach tingles and he’s not sure of how much he will remember of tonight, but the atmosphere at Jongdae’s place is much nicer than having to avoid your lowkey gay _sunbae_ from hitting on you._ _

__“What did I miss? Is there any beer left?”_ _

__“Sehun almost drank it all. He’s stressed because Jongin has slipped like a potato while dancing again so he’s kind of crippled now.”_ _

__“What?” He replies, but he’s already scanning the room, half empty bag at hand, searching for Jongin._ _

__“I heard you Hyung, you’re such a dickhead thank you very much.”_ _

__“And I’m not stressed.”_ _

__Jongin’s sitting on the couch and you can kind of see white bandages underneath a Santa fuzzy sock that doesn’t match the plain black one he is wearing on his other foot. Sehun, next to him, is obviously drinking beer while Jongin is grazing the back of his neck, distractedly, his eyes on Jongdae._ _

__“He is stressed, he called me panicking because Jongin was whining a bit, you’ve got no idea. Hey Hyun.”_ _

__Baekhyun is slightly drunk and the burning in his stomach has turned into real nausea in the last fifteen minutes, so he tells himself that’s the only reason why he feels giddier than usual when he hears Chanyeol call him ‘Hyun’ and when he ruffles his fringe with that usual low snort of his._ _

__“God you’re freezing Hyun-ah.” And he retracts his hand as if Baekhyun’s icy nose has just burned him. Baekhyun shrugs in response but his lips curl up in a weak smile as he walks towards Jongin and his injured ankle._ _

__“Nice way to spend your birthday, huh?” Jongin snorts, and Baekhyun can tell he’s trying really hard not to think about the fact that today’s his birthday and he needs crutches or Sehun holding him up to walk properly. It’s not the first time he’s tripped while dancing, Baekhyun has heard the anecdote of how on his first date with Sehun he’d fallen on his back and Sehun hadn’t been able to contact him for hours. Their first date had ended up with the two of them eating takoyaki from the _pojangmacha_ next to the back gate with a can of _saida_ and Jongin on heavy painkillers._ _

__“We were practicing a new piece for the upcoming spring play and a first year bumped into me. Usual shit, fifteen to twenty days of rest.”_ _

__“Ouch.”_ _

__“Fucked up big time.”_ _

__There’s not much to say, really, and if Baekhyun has gotten to know Sehun well enough in the past months, he’s sure the younger has already given Jongin the talk on how he’s going to ruin his career as a dancer if he keeps not being careful enough. It’s pointless to scare Jongin more, and where Jongdae is trying to lift up the mood with jokes about Jongin being crippled, Baekhyun just squeezes his shoulder in an attempt to show him that they are there for him._ _

__Jongin hands him an half empty beer, Sehun’s showing Chanyeol something on his phone and Chanyeol is not paying attention at all. Baekhyun can feel more than see his eyes on himself, but doesn’t return the gaze, focusing on the tv at first -where some music program is showing- and then on Jongin. Chanyeol is still taking peeks at him from the corner of his eyes, Baekhyun can tell._ _

__“Well you got beer.” He sits on the armrest, right next to the dancer, taking a sip of his beer and then pushing his glasses back up with his wrist. “And friends. And Sehun can give you head later, so it’s not that bad.”_ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t know how Sehun doesn’t break his neck given the force with which his head snaps towards him ready to kick him off the couch. Then he seems to think about it for a second, and everybody’s staring at him expecting him to get really angry or really flustered, but instead he slowly nods, and it’s Jongin’s turn to be surprised, before chuckling a bit and leaning on the side, only for his head to fall perfectly in place in the crook of Sehun’s shoulder._ _

__“Yeah, it’s not that bad.” he agrees, and Baekhyun can kind of see Chanyeol holding back a roar of laughter, his eyes glinting, searching his gaze for some sort of understanding. Baekhyun smiles._ _

__“See? It’s only a half-sucky birthday Jongin-ah.”_ _

__“Jongdae ate half of the cake.”_ _

__

__They play some Mario Cart, and Chanyeol wins three times in a row, until Jongdae pushes Baekhyun to sit on the couch next to him and hands him the controller, then slides on the floor to sit between his legs. It takes two seconds for Chanyeol to notice and his expression doesn’t change a bit when he playfully kicks the other on the shin. “Dae-yah, go get more beer.”_ _

__Jongdae kicks him back and, Baekhyun smacks Jongdae on the shoulder because he can’t see a thing when the other stands. Before Baekhyun knows, Chanyeol is sitting on the floor where Jongdae was, his arm not even that subtly touching Baekhyun’s leg, Baekhyun’s foot on his kneecap. And it looks kind of possessive, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem to realize. Or maybe he does._ _

__He's grinning even when Baekhyun wins four times and breaks Jongdae’s record. At the fifth time, Baekhyun screams a “YES!”, slumps on the couch with his arms flailing in the air, controller in one hand and beer in the other, while Chanyeol is howling in complaint. Howling, and laughing, then pretending to throw the controller at the tv._ _

__It’s all fun and games until Baekhyun can feel something closing on his calf and he jumps, startled, and when he looks down Chanyeol is innocently biting his leg._ _

__“What the hell dude why would you do that, that’s disgusting. I have your saliva on my jeans now!” He pushes Chanyeol back with his foot, the other still has this smug, a bit drunk look on his face and he’s holding on Baekhyun’s ankle now, his laugh deep as usual._ _

__“It’s ok, my saliva doesn’t disgust you anyway, doesn’t it?” It’s the tone he uses, the face he makes, and suddenly he’s not different from all the guys Baekhyun has slept with._ _

__“What?”_ _

__It makes Baekhyun go silent and meet Chanyeol’s eyes with a serious face, he can see how the other’s smile falls a bit, in realization maybe? He’s not sure._ _

__“ByunBaek I was jo..”_ _

__He can't pinpoint what he’s so upset about, he just knows that he is. He takes a longer sip from his beer, a quick movement of his hand dismissing whatever apology Chanyeol had in mind for him. He’s smiling a fake, tired smile, but he’s a good actor and hopes the other doesn’t notice._ _

__“Whatever. I mean you’re right.”_ _

__He shrugs and wriggles his foot free from Chanyeol’s grip, standing. More beer. “Why haven’t you guys left any _soju_?” Although drinking rounding down is such a bad idea, bad bad idea._ _

__Sehun and Jongin are watching videos on Sehun’s phone now, Jongdae’s texting, sitting across them and he’s not really paying attention, his brows furrow when he’s struggling with the autocorrect._ _

__They all look a bit flushed from the alcohol but nothing a good sleep wouldn’t fix._ _

__Sehun glances to Jongin with a quiet laugh as something funny happens on the screen, Jongin bumps him with his shoulder, Sehun pushes back and Jongin slides one arm around his shoulder to steady him. They stare at each other for what to Baekhyun feels like ages and he knows that look. The look. The one that says that no matter what, Jongin only sees him, that he’s glad he’s there, the L look. He leans in and brushes his lips against Sehun’s, briefly, then whispers something in his ear and Sehun’s laugh turns into a smile. He nods._ _

__Baekhyun suddenly feels like he’s just seen something that he wasn’t supposed to see, something intimate, and drags his eyes back to where Chanyeol is still sitting on the floor. He hasn’t moved an inch. Jongdae always says that Chanyeol is a big puppy, and that’s exactly what his expression looks like now, as he glances up to Baekhyun and opens his mouth to say something else._ _

__Baekhyun never lets him._ _

__“Yeol.”_ _

__The sound of his steps is covered by the rap music that has been playing for a while -Jongdae likes his underground rap, but can only sing ballads at the norebang. Chanyeol has really big eyes, the bottle’s neck snug in Baekhyun fingers is cold and slightly heavy. Chanyeol’s eyes get a bit bigger, then squint just a tiny bit, as if he’s afraid the other might hit him._ _

__“Yeol, I think we should have sex.”_ _

__His voice is close enough to a whisper for the others not to hear him, and after dropping the bomb he gets another sip of his beer, the amount of alcohol mixing to create a lethal concoction in his blood. It makes him lightheaded and nauseous._ _

__“How drunk are you exactly?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow and he’s using the same kind of voice as when he’s mad at Baekhyun, the same lack of expression as when he’d fished Baekhyun out of that bedroom, a while back._ _

__Deny. Always deny. “A bit. Not that much. But I’ve been thinking about it and we should.” He slurs, puts up a smile, pokes Chanyeol’s leg with his toe. “It’s gonna be fun! And I’m good in bed, you know.”_ _

__He doesn’t know why he’s insisting so much, maybe is the beer and the rest of the alcohol he’s had until now, maybe it’s just that he wants to get Chanyeol out of his system and the only way he knows how to do it is by fucking. He doesn’t want his heart to beat faster whenever Chanyeol is staring at him, he doesn’t want any of those feelings, if he could just get rid of that weight that he feels in his chest he would._ _

__The light from the tv showing the news reflects on Chanyeol’s face and he’s handsome. He’s using his arm as a lever to stand, tall enough that Baekhyun has to tilt his head up the slightest to meet his eyes, Chanyeol avoids him, running a hand through his hair._ _

__“Shut up Byun Baekhyun.”_ _

__He mutters, his eyes search for Jongdae and Baekhyun follows his gaze, standing in front of the couch. Chanyeol must think he’s joking, but he’s not, he’s definitely not. He swallows, and his throat feels dry. Jongdae is immersed into his phone all over again, but he must’ve heard them and Baekhyun doesn’t give a shit anymore._ _

__“Why? You could use a good fuck.” He closes the distance as he pushes him back into the couch, and he’s between Chanyeol’s legs now, one hand trying to cup his face. “And you just said it so you should know, your saliva doesn’t disgust me.” Chanyeol looks at him and he’s..angry? Confused? Baekhyun cannot really place it, but he leans in anyway, he wants the other’s lips on his so that he can finally end it, get rid of this feeling._ _

__His heart is mocking him, though, it’s a thunder in his chest._ _

__“Can you not?”_ _

__Baekhyun’s eyes blink open and he meets Chanyeol’s hard, cold ones._ _

__Angry. Chanyeol is definitely angry. His grip on Baekhyun’s shoulder is not that strong but it’s enough to push him back and make him stumble. The smile on Baekhyun’s face falters and something like a thread in his heart breaks, he’s sure of it, he can feel it. He was going to get rid of his feelings, but it seems like new ones have appeared. He feels thrown away, rejected and, to be honest, pretty disgusted with himself._ _

__He casts his eyes down and tries to pick up the pieces of his smile. “You didn’t need to be this rude, Yeol.” And it should come out with a fake offended tone, but Baekhyun is still drunk, or tipsy, he lost track, so his acting ability quite frankly sucks right now._ _

__He swallows what’s left of his beer and with that goes his resolution not to pass out tonight._ _

__They don’t talk for the rest of the evening, though they play monopoly with Sehun, Jongin and Jongdae and Baekhyun does nothing but sip at the bottle of Jagermeister that Jongdae’s brother always insists is just there to help with his digestion, but it feels closer the healthiest addition to his secret alcohol stash._ _

__The atmosphere feels awkward even with Jongdae’s jokes about Sehun being really shit at the game because Chanyeol is too serious and not even Baekhyun laughs. Instead he leaves after a while, making a beeline to the bathroom and slumping on the floor as soon as the door closes behind him._ _

__

__The tiles are cold and so is the shower door when he presses his face against it. It feels nice, his head is thinking, but his body is shaking and his stomach is rebelling against his poor decision making._ _

__He’s still shivering when he finally opens the door to a worried Jongdae ready to wrap him in the Spiderman blanket._ _

__Baekhyun has different levels of being drunk. Level one, and he’s still pretty much sober, but he’s laughing like an idiot, making rude remarks about people without thinking twice. Level 2, and he’s asking for more alcohol, his head is really light and he feels well. It’s when Level 2 is slowly transitioning into Level 3 that he usually starts craving sex, although to be completely honest with himself, that has turned into asking himself what Chanyeol would say if he saw him with another man. Level 4 in the past involved him, laying on any surface available with someone pressed on top of him, making his body hot and his breathing ragged._ _

__Level 5 is either throwing up or passing out, which Baekhyun doesn’t really experience that often, and it’s funny how Chanyeol has already seen him in this state twice._ _

__It’s also funny how Chanyeol was angry, but he’s a few steps behind Jongdae with a serious face, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, the usual face he’s got when he’s overly worrying about something that’s work related or school related. It’s never about Baekhyun, though._ _

__He opens his mouth to say something but it’s Jongdae the one who actually speaks, Chanyeol left there hanging. “Are you sick?”_ _

__Baekhyun nods slightly, then shrugs. “It’s ok, it’s not a big deal.” he can feel his teeth clatter as his body deals with the fact that he’s flushed his soul in that toilet._ _

__“Yeah, of course. You’re shaking, moron.” Jongdae has always been the friend that takes care of him no matter what, since when they were kids, his concern is not something new to him, but Baekhyun replies with a faint smile. “Not a big deal my ass. I always fucking tell you not to mix.”_ _

__“Can I take a nap in your room or something?” Jongdae is already throwing the blanket on Baekhyun’s shoulders, then he pushes his glasses up his nose with his index finger._ _

__“Don’t jerk off on my bed.”_ _

__“As if the blankets aren’t soiled already.” He retorts, but it doesn’t come out with the same witty vibe that is so characteristic of his voice._ _

__Baekhyun can perfectly walk on his own, a bit unsteadily but he can, his hand following the wall. However Jongdae is right behind him in an instant. He doesn’t touch him but he’s there, ready to catch him just in case._ _

__He whispers a ‘thank you’ when Jongdae makes sure he’s got enough blankets and a bucket in case he wants to throw up again. Jongdae is nice._ _

__Chanyeol is on the door, his shoulder leaning against the frame, his gaze is lost somewhere on the floor and he’s still got that frown, that wrinkle between his brows that Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do with.  
He’s not used to Chanyeol being worried because of something he did and showing it. Jongdae takes his glasses off, the room goes blurry and so does Chanyeol’s silhouette. For a moment, before closing his eyes and falling asleep, he can pretend that that’s all Chanyeol is, a blurry silhouette in the dim orange light of the corridor._ _

__

__When Baekhyun wakes up, it’s to something moving underneath him, then something else touching his head. He’s woken up in lots of different places, even to Jongdae’s crotch once. None of them had been particularly pleasant, but today, like last time at the party, he’s basking in warmth and refuses to open his eyes, hoping to just fall asleep again. Everything is cozy, soft, and smells like laundry and vaguely of clementines, so he turns his head until his nose in squashed against whatever he’s sleeping on and he can breath in._ _

__Until the thing whispers something and Jongdae’s voice is replying.  
That scares the shit out of him. He jerks a little._ _

__“I swear he’s never sleepwalked in his life, he must’ve been pretending to be asleep ‘cause..you know.” There’s a pause, something pokes Baekhyun on his arm, which is the only part of his body that is slightly cold and not covered. “He’s got a soft spot for you.”_ _

__“Interesting ‘Dae. Would you shut up?” Chanyeol tries really hard to whisper, but Baekhyun is squinting first, then he slowly lifts his head with a groan._ _

__“So loud..” He murmurs, then blinks once, twice until he can focus on Chanyeol. He’s not wearing his glasses and he’s pretty blind, but Chanyeol is close enough not to be a blurry blob that could easily be mistaken for a lamp-post or a traffic light. His expression goes from mildly shocked to annoyed, when he shifts it to Jongdae for less than a second. Then he’s back on Baekhyun and he’s got this face that..it’s scary._ _

__It’s just an instant, maybe less than that, but Chanyeol’s eyes are fixed on him as he’s actually seeing him and he looks happy, relieved, relaxed, in awe. Baekhyun is not sure, but it reminds him of the way Sehun throws glances at Jongin every now and then, when he’s just finished his dance practice and he just wants to use Sehun as his personal pillow._ _

__It’s that face. Or maybe it wasn’t. It’s gone before Baekhyun can blink again._ _

__“You awake sleeping beauty?” Jongdae knocks on his head lightly a couple of times, Baekhyun whines and pouts before Chanyeol’s hand smack’s the intruder’s hand away._ _

__“He wouldn’t be if you weren’t here yelling in his ear, mind me.”_ _

__Baekhyun is too sleepy to actually react, until he realizes _where_ he’s fallen asleep. He’s lying on top of Chanyeol, his morning wood is not alive yet, but might be soon, and he’s just been snuggling on the other’s chest. He’s still got Jongdae’s Spiderman blanket covering him a bit but half of it is draped on Chanyeol’s feet - sticking out of his long puffy jacket that is long enough to keep Baekhyun warm, but not Chanyeol._ _

__

__He’s fallen asleep with Chanyeol before, it’s nothing new, but it was never this close, this intimate. His heart is racing again, his brain too groggy to fully understand the situation._ _

__“I’ll go check on the married couple. Can you make sure he’s ok?”_ _

__Chanyeol hums, shifts a little bit and Baekhyun realizes that his legs are tangled with the other’s, but for once decides not to mind that much._ _

__“Hyun-ah.”_ _

__Chanyeol tries to comb back his hair a bit, his face says that he’s not succeeding._ _

__“Why am I here?” His voice cracks, which brinks Chanyeol to adjust his puffy jacket a little bit so that Baekhyun’s arms and shoulders are tucked in._ _

__“You woke up and you were cold.” Chanyeol’s hand is fumbling in the air, struggling to find something that turns out to be a bottle of water, with a straw in it. A fucking straw. “Drink.”_ _

__“Did I-” He takes a sip, a small one and he flinches, his stomach contracting already._ _

__“Slowly Hyun.” He balances the bottle on his chest and waits until the other wants another sip. “You were cold and I was conveniently sitting here, you fell asleep again and I thought you would be uncomfortable sleeping in a sitting position so..” He tries to shrug and it looks like a weird twitch._ _

__“Did I do something stupid?”_ _

__“Hm..” Chanyeol shifts again, one arm ends up holding Baekhyun from his waist to make sure he doesn’t fall from the couch. He keeps it there though and Baekhyun feels safe. Nervous, but safe. He opts to ignore the nervous for now._ _

__“Did I do something stupid Chanyeol?”_ _

__“I don’t think you want to know. And I don’t think you were sleepwalking.”  
Chanyeol shakes his head, he’s got something like a hint of a smile on his face but it slowly transitions into a grimace._ _

__“I want to know.”_ _

__His hand on Baekhyun’s waist slides until it’s on the small of his back, and Chanyeol traces circles there, it’s soothing, Baekhyun hopes he doesn’t stop. “You kissed me, then fell asleep. Said it was a goodnight kiss.”_ _

__Baekhyun groans and he presses his face against Chanyeol’s chest again. All he wants to do is find the closest emergency exit from the whole situation, but Chanyeol is warm and his touches feel good, and why should he move really. He feels like he should stay, Chanyeol seems to want him to stay._ _

__“It’s ok. We’ve kissed once already, haven’t we?” He leaves the bottle on the floor, smiles that weird smile again._ _

__“I guess..?” It’s not ok. Not ok at all._ _

__Unexpectedly there’s a hand on his head, fingers carding through his hair slowly, knuckles slightly grazing his nape and neck. “Sleep some more ‘Hyun it’s 6am. Jongdae was just being annoying.”_ _

__Chanyeol is so caring in making sure that he’s not cold or uncomfortable, Baekhyun wants to kiss him right there, a morning kiss that is, and then go back to sleep, and remember this one when he wakes up._ _

__“Mmh..”_ _

__He closes his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and snuggles closer, until he’s found his perfect sleeping position. “I’m sorry for yesterday.”_ _

__It’s Chanyeol’s turn to hum, but Baekhyun is happy with that.  
He falls asleep to Chanyeol’s light snoring and the scent of mandarins._ _

__

__._ _

__

__“It’s weird though, you know?” Jongdae starts, looking up at Baekhyun while he fumbles with his phone absentmindedly. It’s morning, just past eleven, and Jongdae’s kitchen is kind of a mess, plastic containers everywhere, empty cans and bottles of beer and _soju_ make a parade on the counter._ _

__

__“What is weird?” He stares at the screen, a few notifications from group chats he keeps ignoring, a couple messages from his _hubae_ and one from his mom, the small peach sending kisses is cute. He types a quick response while Jongdae munches on some more rice as breakfast._ _

__“You are. Weird, or down, I’m still not sure which. Something is off Byunbaek.” He pauses, then cuts a piece of spam and adds it to the rice, scooping a good amount. “I’ve.. heard people have not exactly been nice.” Jongdae is using that tone he reserves for when Baekhyun does something he doesn’t like or when he wants to be serious. “Is that what’s bothering you?” He makes it sound like he knows the answer already._ _

__Suddenly the weight in his chest is a bit harder to simply ignore. He shakes his head. It’s not.  
It has nothing to do with that, or maybe everything, because Chanyeol doesn’t care about what people have been saying. And maybe that makes Baekhyun feel something more for him and he doesn’t want to feel anything, he doesn’t need anything. He shakes his head, the maze in his head is too intricate for him to easily make up a proper answer. _ _

__“So it’s Chanyeol, isn’t it?”_ _

__Jongdae says it like it’s endgame and Baekhyun wants to scream at his face that no, it has nothing to do with Chanyeol, there’s nothing wrong with him. He meets Jongdae’s eyes though, and the other doesn’t really give him the time to deny._ _

__“You’ve never sleep walked in your entire life Byunbaek, not even once. I’ve known you forever. You went there, kissed fucking Park Chanyeol goodnight on the mouth and sat on the sofa. To sleep. He tried to move you and you went koala on him.”_ _

__“I didn’t..”_ _

__“Yes you did.” He sounds exasperated more than angry, and Baekhyun would gladly avoid an exasperated Jongdae, he’s not ready for this, he doesn’t want to have this conversation. He just stares at his glass of water. “He was right next to me so..”_ _

__“He wasn’t. But even if he was. Why would you just… ” He stops mid sentence, glaring at Baekhyun for a second. That glance is enough for Baekhyun to understand how much Jongdae cares for Chanyeol. That makes him get defensive, put up an invisible wall between the two of them. Hell he might even be a bit jealous, although at this point he’s lost track of who he’s getting jealous for. “Why would you kiss him? Do you want to date him?”_ _

__

__“No.” He spits out, and it sounds more aggressive than it should. He bites his lip when Jongdae sighs. ”I don’t do that shit, too much commitment.”_ _

__“I know. Which is why I’m telling you. He’s a nice guy, one of the nicest I know. And I know you’re a nice guy too Baek, you’re like a brother to me but you don’t date. Chanyeol doesn’t want a fuck. He wants a boyfriend. Would you do boyfriend?”_ _

__There’s a moment of silence, Jongdae stares, his gaze heavy with something akin to concern and Baekhyun feels his wall crumble._ _

__“I..” he hesitates. “I wouldn’t.”_ _

__Another sigh and Jongdae stands, picking up his rice bowl._ _

__“Exactly.” He walks to the sink, Baekhyun not tearing away his eyes from his back, Jongdae’s posture slightly rigid. “You need to settle things with him.” A small pause._ _

__“He likes you, a lot. I know you like him too, but if it’s not enough for you to settle down then let him go Hyun.”_ _

__Baekhyun swallows and it feels like he’s choking on a pebble.  
It _is_ not enough to settle down isn’t it? Then why does it suddenly feel like someone’s digging a hole right in his stomach, deeper and deeper?_ _

__

__._ _

__

__The countryside near Jeonju has a distinct atmosphere, subdued colors that remind Baekhyun of when his grandmother was alive and had decided to move there with her husband, because she didn’t feel like she belonged to the city anymore. He can almost see himself in blue oversized sweatpants and battered trainers, a cute beanie with a pompom and a green jumper riding a small bicycle on the side of the road, his grandfather yelling at him for going too fast._ _

__It’s been awhile since he’s last visited. It’s funny how much he loved coming here as a kid and how much he’d grown to despise the countryside as a teenager. His head jumps, hitting the glass window of Jongin’s uncle’s car at each and every small bump of the road.The air inside the vehicle is almost suffocating from how high Jongin has set the heating, but Baekhyun finds himself curling up on the back seat, basking in the warmth._ _

__Chanyeol is in the other car with Jongdae, and Baekhyun seems unable to forget how his eyes had lingered on him a little bit longer than necessary when Baekhyun had stated he would ride with Sehun and Jongin instead. He hadn’t said anything though._ _

__It’s a silent ride except for an old cassette with three trot songs that keep repeating over and over and that Jongin’s uncle seems to love a lot. Sehun has headphones on, his eyes on the view from outside, one hand occasionally brushing Jongin’s hair although he’s on the front seat and he’s fallen asleep at least four times, nodding off on his uncle’s shoulder._ _

__“Is your ankle better?” Sehun perches his head on a corner of the front seat, after poking Jongin’s angry red pimple on his neck. “You said it hurt yesterday..” He adds, in a whisper._ _

__Jongin’s uncle turns his head a bit and eyes definitely longer than necessary with something that Baekhyun would call self restraint. He doesn’t bat an eye, though, when Sehun’s hand cards with Jongin’s locks and he tilts his head, snuggling at the touch. “Yeah it’s ok, I put more ointment on than usual, it should be fine.”_ _

__“Got some painkillers just in case, it’ll probably be freezing tonight.”_ _

__Jongin hums, and Baekhyun, once again, regrets his decision to be in this car. He doesn’t realize how bitter the glance he’s throwing at them is until Sehun points it out and he doesn’t know exactly what to answer. He’s not jealous of their romance, he doesn’t want that romance, he doesn’t need it. Maybe if he keeps repeating it like a mantra in his mind he’ll convince himself that it’s true._ _

__Or maybe it’s just that Jongin and Sehun can be so open about loving each other, their parents supporting them. Baekhyun hasn’t been home for more than a year, and he’s not that eager to go back either. His father is the last person he wants to see again._ _

__He kicks his shoes off and draws his knees up to his chest, his fingers distractedly turning up the volume of his iPod. He closes his eyes._ _

__

__._ _

__

__Jongin’s grandmother’s house is in the middle of nowhere, at the very end of a suspicious looking road, the closest bus stop is half an hour from there and there isn’t even a sign for it, just a wonky bench. It looks more like an old storage house than a home. “My grandma used to live here, but she moved a few kilometers away, nearer to the city. She only keeps this place for the memories.”_ _

__“You’re making it sound way more romantic than it is, Jongin. She’s waiting for the land prices to go up, although I doubt this shithole is going to earn her much money.” Jongin uncle interrupts, helping his nephew with the stubborn door lock until he opens it for him and walks inside first. They stay behind, Sehun looking as awkward as he could ever be, Chanyeol and Jongdae not too far - the taller of the two with four backpacks all hoisted up his shoulder._ _

__“There’s no heating in here right?” Chanyeol ask and follows after Jongin, tilting his head in order not to hit the doorframe right with his forehead._ _

__“Nope, that’s why we packed three hundreds blankets inside that bag, idiot.” Sehun mutters back, his eyes stopping on Baekhyun for a second, before he snorts at Jongdae’s reply._ _

__“No need to be this bitter Sehun, I’m sure Jongin is going to be as close to your ass as he can to keep you warm.” He pats Sehun’s shoulder before disappearing behind the the mosquito net curtain hanging from the doorframe._ _

__Sehun blows some air from his nose, staring at nothing really, until his eyes are back on Baekhyun and they stay there for a while. Sehun has been jumpy since they’ve left Daejeon this morning, the only thing keeping him a bit calmer being the few whispered conversations he’s had with Jongin in the car._ _

__Baekhyun is a lot of things but he’s good at seeing things, like the frown that Sehun keeps fighting and the nervous looks he’s thrown at Jongin’s uncle. “He’s going to leave soon, try not to think about him.” He digs his hands in his pokes, his chin hiding inside his scarf. It’s so fucking cold today, the snow still covers the hillock all around the copse of trees behind the house. “He’s nobody that you need to care about.”_ _

__“Still Jongin’s family. I don’t know.” Sehun shrugs and suddenly he looks a lot smaller than he actually is, the few freckles on his cheekbones make him look younger. Baekhyun smiles a bit of a weak smile. He’d love to tell Sehun that Jongin’s uncle is going to approve of them and they’ll be happy ever after, but he can’t._ _

__“Well, you know that Jongin likes when Sehun the prince of winter cuddles him. And oh my God I could ramble for hours about how he has a cult for Oh Sehun’s shoulders.” Sehun’s lips curl up a little bit until it blends into a real smile. “We came here to have two days for ourselves. Don’t think about it ‘Hun-ah, Jongin doesn’t give a shit.”_ _

__Sehun is still smiling, his eyes turned into crescents, when Jongdae calls from inside the house, something about them having to piss in the woods. They both look at the door, Sehun’s disappointed expression is quite comic. Baekhyun just whines. “That sucks though, dicks in the air in the middle of the night, not fun.”_ _

__Sehun genuinely laughs, then starts walking outside. “I get why Chanyeol likes you, Hyung. I also get why he’s so frustrated with you sometimes, though.”_ _

__Baekhyun stills for a moment, but he’s not sure what to answer, so he just keeps silent._ _

__

__The rest of the morning is uneventful, except for them eating kimbap oh the porch of the house, sitting on their puffy jackets -Chanyeol’s could easily host an army, so Jongdae has promptly sat by him, and bundled Jongin up with his jacket instead. Jongin’s uncle finally leaves after a while, Sehun can stop being all jumpy and looks like a relaxed cat in sweats and Chanyeol’s oversized jumper now. Baekhyun is not jealous at all._ _

__

__“Just a second for fuck’s sake Park Chanyeol!”_ _

__

__The side of the snow covered hillock is overcrowded, Chanyeol and Sehun ready to show off their years of skiing classes. Chanyeol has been elbowing Sehun to go first for the last five minutes, Sehun is not convinced that a plastic bag is safe enough to slide down the slope._ _

__“Gooo, Sehuuun, no time! We’re dying! Goo!” He pushes Sehun first, then crouches over his black bag and follows after. Baekhyun is not sure he wants to look when Chanyeol ends up colliding with the younger and they both roll down in a mess of limbs and snow._ _

__Jongin is livid, being all protective of Sehun as usual, Chanyeol’s probably going to have one of his fingers chopped off by the end of the day. He just bursts out laughing, though, when they finally hit the ground, Sehun is wailing Jongin’s name along with curses. A lot of curses.  
“Oh finally an article of clothing that suits you, Baekhyun-ah.”_ _

__

__Baekhyun looks down at the garbage bag he’s holding and his eyes stop when they level with Jongdae's. “Is that a dick?” Jongdae seems confused for a second. “Yeah, the thing on your face.”_ _

__“My face is beautiful what are you talking about, I have a girlfriend.”_ _

__Baekhyun lays the garbage bag on the snow as well, looking down the slope. Chanyeol is animatedly talking with Sehun there, while Jongin is a bit far from them, stops petting the massive dog that his uncle has decided to unchain before leaving so he can stretch his legs he says. Useless to say Chanyeol is beaming and Jongin can’t stop baby talking the poor creature._ _

__“Jongdae. Seulgi dates your for your dick only, we all know.”_ _

__He finally crouches to pull his makeshift sledge down the hillock and he would be ready to go, when suddenly he can’t see a thing._ _

__He doesn’t really have the time to react, because someone pushes him. No time to grip at the bag either. He stumbles and falls head down the slope, his skull hitting the fresh snow multiple times, followed by his back and knees. It is, easily said, the scariest experience ever, losing control of how his body is shot like a projectile on the snow._ _

__Kim Jongdae are you insane? It’s Chanyeol’s voice, it thunders and echoes in the area. Baekhyun catches a hint of rage in his voice, but it all happens too fast for him to really pay attention._ _

__He tries hard to stop the fall, his hand reaching desperately for any kind of grasp to slow himself down, with scarce success until someone catches him and they remove the bag. He’s met with Sehun’s worried eyes._ _

__“Hyung are you ok?”_ _

__His knees are still wobbly when he stands up, Sehun keeping him steady on his feet.  
“Who was it? Who..?”_ _

__

__They don’t kill Jongdae of course, but Jongin has never been more traumatized than today, and Baekhyun cannot shrug off the fact that Jongdae almost killed him. Jongdae is deprived of his portion of sweet potatoes for dinner. He whines a lot, especially when they’re all gathered around the fire near the porch and the smell of sweet potatoes and sausages is overwhelmingly good._ _

__There are no lights in the area except for the neon led on the porch that a few moths keep hitting over and over and while Chanyeol explains why that happens, Jongin is battling with the fire. Baekhyun is crouching in front of the barbecue, his hands up like he’s blessing someone, taking as much heat as he can, his palms going on fire, he almost expects bubbles to collect on his skin, the rest of his body a bit colder. Baekhyun is always cold, nothing new here._ _

__“You’re not selling us bullshit again like that one time with the poop eating rabbit right?” Jongin asks, finally satisfied with the way the burning charcoals look._ _

__“That wasn’t bullshit, it was true.” Chanyeol sounds almost amused, as he nonchalantly takes his spare jumper from where it’s all balled up on the porch and he tosses it over Baekhyun’s head. “Moths are really attracted to the light because they use the sun or the stars to find their way and they confuse artificial light with natural one.”_ _

__He pauses, and although Baekhyun expects him to go back next to Jongin, he doesn’t move. “I call bullshit.” Jongdae says, from his chair on the porch._ _

__Baekhyun tries to shuffle the jumper a little bit so that he’s evenly covered, but Chanyeol must misinterpret his movements somehow. “It’s cold, just keep it on.” He murmurs, Baekhyun nods, and he ends up wearing it. It’s huge, it reaches his mid-thigh and the sleeves are too long._ _

__Chanyeol smiles a little when he notices, but he doesn’t comment on it._ _

__They haven’t talked, not that much at least. Chanyeol has followed him around like a lost puppy, throwing a few words in here and there, just small talk. Baekhyun has made it awkward since Jongin’s party, he knows. And although Jongdae’s right about the fact that he should definitely explain to Chanyeol what he doesn’t want, he can’t bring himself to do it._ _

__

__He gets the chance a few hours after, when crouching on the edge of the back porch, pointing a flashlight to the end of the path for Chanyeol to find a new bag of charcoal behind a pile of bricks. He comes back holding a sack in one hand and flinching slightly. His other hand is balled up in a fist blood dripping from his palm._ _

__“What the hell? What happened?”_ _

__“Go get Sehun, he knows where the first aid kit is.”_ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t like blood, and neither do the others, so it’s Sehun the one that clutches Chanyeol’s wrist and shoves it under the faucet. “There was a shard of glass…”_ _

__“You’re an idiot, what if it needs stitches?” He brings Chanyeol’s hand closer, to have a better look, then exhales slowly. “It doesn’t look that bad.”_ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do or what to say. He’s standing behind the two of them as if he doesn’t really belong there. He should’ve gone up to the pile of bricks with Chanyeol, here’s to him being a lazy motherfucker half of the time._ _

__

__“I really didn’t see the shard, I picked up the damn charcoal bag and this shit happened..” Chanyeol keeps giving his explanation to Sehun, the other just hums in response. He makes a grimace when trying to move his fingers just a little, then groans in frustration._ _

__“Chanyeol you’re a vet student, what does your wound look like? Think. Do you need to go to the hospital?”_ _

__Chanyeol breathes in, then out, then for some reason his eyes linger on Baekhyun for a moment, as if he’s trying to focus on something. He keeps staring while he talks, peeling off layer by layer that bit of self control that Baekhyun has left._ _

__Why does Chanyeol have to look at him like that? Why does he have to stare as if it was Baekhyun the one who’s keeping him grounded?_ _

__“It doesn’t need stitches, I can move my fingers so at least I haven’t damaged any nerves.”_ _

__Sehun is a good observer at that point, good enough to just shove the bottle of disinfectant and the bandages in Baekhyun’s hands, before heading for the door. “Make this right.” He mutters, and if Chanyeol has heard him he doesn’t show it._ _

__Chanyeol’s hands are huge, visible veins on the back of them, the tips of his fingers and a part of his palm are just a tad hardened because of how he grips on his guitar and presses the strings. It’s details Baekhyun shouldn’t think too much about, especially while clumsily dabbing some alcohol on the now clean cut, and yet it’s all he does._ _

__Especially because he knows how those hands feel cupping his face or stroking his hair and this whole getting closure with Chanyeol is turning out to be a lot harder than Jongdae made it sound._ _

__It’s not that unusual for Baekhyun to feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him, it doesn’t make it any easier. “Look, I’m sorry I should’ve come closer with the flashlight.” He mumbles, as he puts aside a used cotton pad. “It’s already embarrassing enough as it is, so yeah.”_ _

__Chanyeol tilts his head to the side, trying to get a better view of Baekhyun’s face. “It doesn’t really matter, it’s just a cut.” Chanyeol and his stupid habits of making everything not a big deal. Nothing ever is for Chanyeol, not even that one time when Sehun broke the lock of his house door and he was forced to change it._ _

__Baekhyun just shrugs and wraps Chanyeol’s palm with some gauze that has probably been in the house since the 1980s. “Whatever you say.”_ _

__There’s a frustrated sigh and Chanyeol jerks his hand and Baekhyun’s grip slackens. It’s less aggressive than it looks, really, however Baekhyun can’t help but search for the other’s eyes. He opens his mouth to say something but Chanyeol beats him to it. “What are you really trying to tell me, Hyun? You’ve been...distant, since Jongin’s party.”_ _

__Baekhyun snorts, then looks down as he always does when all he wants to do is escape the situation he’s put himself into. “I asked you to have sex. Then I got drunk, vomited, went to sleep. Apparently woke up, kissed you and fell asleep on you. Why do you think I’m keeping a distance?”_ _

__“I don’t care about that.” Chanyeol’s answer comes with his fingers playing with Baekhyun’s fringe, brushing it to the side. “You know I don’t care Hyun. Don’t .. just don’t shut me out please.”_ _

__He doesn’t know what to say to that, his heart is drumming in his chest once more, all he wishes is that he could rip it out and get rid of it._ _

__“Your glasses are disgusting by the way.”_ _

__“Mh?”_ _

__Chanyeol reaches out to peel them off and Baekhyun feels his face go a bit warmer than it was just a moment before. “And this bandage thing you did kind of sucks.” Chanyeol keeps going, showing his injured hand. And although he keeps a serious face, his voice his tinted with mirth._ _

__“And who was the idiot who went and impaled himself with a piece of glass again?” He shoots back, unfazed, ready to walk out again, even though the world is suddenly not in HD anymore._ _

__“How do you see with these on, seriously, and what are they made of? How didn’t they shatter when you fell down the slope earlier?”_ _

__“I was pushed, I didn’t fall.”_ _

__“Whatever. I’m hungry.”_ _

__

__Baekhyun knows that Chanyeol is a man of actions. He doesn't talk much, except when he has to lighten the mood of an awkward situation. Chanyeol is nice, but he tends to force himself on people with his unwanted kindness. He creeps on you like a shadow, and before you can even realize he’s become part of your life and it’s you that don’t want him out._ _

__

__It’s night already, the smell of sweet potatoes still lingers in the air with the pungent one of the fire that clings to their clothes and each room of the house. The weak nanbang unexpectedly works, it makes the floor warm enough for them to sleep on it with a few blankets, despite it being old crusty linoleum, and if it wasn’t for the wind blowing incessantly outside, it would seem like it’s summer already._ _

__Sehun and Jongin are curled up in a corner of the room, the coldest one, due to Jongin being overly hot during the night and Sehun being ok with Jongin’s body acting as a small furnace. Usually Baekhyun would be half staring at them, half overhearing Jongdae arguing with Seulgi over the phone, from the kitchen. Usually, Baekhyun wouldn’t be there at all, to be honest, because it’s a Friday and he spends his time drinking with friends and being the rebel soul of the party everyone think he is._ _

__Today is not one of those days, though, and for once Baekhyun doesn’t need to feel that tug at his stomach while eyeing Oh Sehun waking up an already drowsy Jongin to guide him into the sleeping bag._ _

__He forgets about them the second he peels off his jumper. His t-shirt lifts up just enough to show a bit of his hips and the dip of his back. He almost loses his glasses in the process and his hair is a fluffy blondish cloud on his head when he’s finally done._ _

__Baekhyun for a moment thinks it’s his imagination, the fleeting touch of Chanyeol’s knuckles grazing his skin, leaving traces of warmth until the touch is gone. He’s not sure if it’s the cold air replacing them that upsets him, or if he just wants that touch back._ _

__When he turns to meet Chanyeol’s eyes, he just knows. Baekhyun knows he can’t handle Chanyeol, can’t handle how he can find all the right strings to pull to set his heart, his soul on fire, to set _him_ on fire. He buries his gaze in Chanyeol’s, leaves it there and, again, for once he couldn’t give a shit about Sehun, Jongin and their sappy romance._ _

__“Why did you do that?” There’s not a real reason for his question, but it’s like winning a bet when Chanyeol averts his gaze. Chanyeol who is always staring as if he’s challenging Baekhyun, stealing glances._ _

__“I did nothing. Go to sleep Hyun.” Chanyeol is a bit like a stray dog, the big ones that are old and dirty, that nobody wants to touch. The way he slightly hunches his back and he scratches the base of his neck, Baekhyun knows he’s building yet another wall._ _

__Jongdae enters the room and words die on the tip of Baekhyun’s tongue, the breath of wind from the outside is as cold as the absence of Chanyeol’s touch on his skin. He can’t sleep all night, the sound of his heart beating crazily, like a bird hitting incessantly the bars of a cage, is louder than Jongin’s kisses on Sehun’s neck. It’s dark, but Chanyeol’s black eyes definitely meet his and Baekhyun is not sleepy anymore._ _

__When they leave, the morning after, Jongdae is next to him, lazily leaning on his shoulder while they wait for the bus back, his fingers distractedly playing with a bus ticket._ _

__“Did you talk to him?” He asks in a whisper, Baekhyun goes rigid. He hesitates._ _

__“Kind of.”_ _

__Jongdae sighs, he’s not even looking at Baekhyun anymore. “Which means that you didn’t, right?” He doesn’t wait for an answer now. “It’s none of my business Hyun, I know. You do you. Just, we’re friends, try not to fuck this up. Whether you stay friends, or finally end up sleeping together and loving each other, I don’t care.”_ _

__Silence follows, as the two of them recognize Chanyeol and Sehun’s profiles as they come out from the only convenience store of the area, followed by Jongin who’s biting off a chunk of his strawberry icicle._ _

__Baekhyun wants nothing but to get rid of Chanyeol, he wants to push him out, rip him off himself. And yet all he can manage to do is draw him closer, closer, let him inside until he’s in his veins and he can’t get him out anymore._ _

__

__It’s early afternoon when they finally get to Daejeon, the air is still chilly and Baekhyun’s ears feel like icicles, his hands snuck into his pockets and fingers wrapped around a hot pack that Jongdae has tossed him as soon as they left Jeonju. Chanyeol has been carrying his bag for the last half an hour, together with Jongdae’s bag not to raise any suspicion -he didn’t even try with Sehun’s, Jongin can be really territorial._ _

__Sehun, instead, keeps throwing quick knowing looks at Baekhyun. It’s just peeking every now and then, whenever Chanyeol would say something to Baekhyun and he would answer, whatever the conversation would be. And it’s almost getting annoying, borderline obvious until they stop in front of the main gate of the University and Chanyeol walks up next to Baekhyun._ _

__He sneaks a hand into Baekhyun’s pocket, and he snatches the hot pack away and plays with it making it fall into his palm after throwing it, not even that high. All Baekhyun can focus on is Chanyeol’s hand prying his fingers off the hot pack and it’s not ok._ _

__“I’m going Baekhyun’s way.” He says like he means it. Jongdae’s conversation comes to a stop and his eyes bounce from Chanyeol to Baekhyun, once, twice._ _

__“I guess we’ll catch the bus then.” And it’s Sehun speaking. Baekhyun waits for Jongin to say that he’ll go with them, since his house is not that far from Baekhyun’s anyway. The other says nothing, though, so he’s stuck with an obviously awkward walk back with a silent Chanyeol, which is something Baekhyun is still not used to._ _

__“I made it awkward, didn’t I?”_ _

__He asks in a whisper, when they’re still walking, Baekhyun can see his apartment’s building from here and Chanyeol accidentally bumps his shoulder._ _

__“You did. I’m still trying to figure out what you want from me Byunbaek.” He says it with a smile, only after a while, as if he’s thought out what to reply._ _

__“I don’t know.”_ _

__He’s lying, scratch that. He definitely does know, admitting, though, it is a lot harder than it seems. Especially when they’re finally there in Baekhyun’s shabby one room, skinny little mattress on the floor and a few blankets. Baekhyun’s t-shirt still sitting there, tossed in a corner next to his laptop and trousers in an odd combination._ _

__“No, you said exactly what you wanted.” Chanyeol looks extremely small at the entrance, next to Baekhyun’s shoes, under that orange light._ _

__“Chanyeol..” He stops right after taking off his jacket, in the middle of the room. “Look I..”_ _

__“You said it and you know what Hyun?”_ _

__Chanyeol walking towards him feels like jumping off a cliff. “I don’t care, you win.”_ _

__He murmurs, and he’s the one who kisses first, his lips pressing against Baekhyun’s, hands cradling his head. It’s the hands, the gentle grazing of his thumb on his cheekbones, on his jaw, it makes Baekhyun’s senses go haywire. He’s holding his breath underwater, drowning, and he doesn’t want to resurface again._ _

__“You fucking win Hyun” Chanyeol whispers against his skin and kisses him again, kisses the beauty spot just above his lips, then his lips once more. Baekhyun can’t hold back a gasp and a breathy laugh at that, because Chanyeol is an idiot._ _

__“I like the sound of that” He says, mirth in his tone. But his hands are shaking when he fists Chanyeol’s hair and pulls him down again, hungry, angry at him for being too fucking nice, for being always there, for letting him win. He’s the one who kisses Chanyeol’s mouth open until their tongues meet and something must click inside of him, it’s hot, like someone just spilled lava all over him. Chanyeol groans in frustration, letting go of Baekhyun’s head and grabbing his hands instead, his wrists and then his hips._ _

__Chanyeol kisses like he could devour him all and he’s holding back, he knows where to touch, how to do it and when the kiss turns sloppy, wet, just tongues pressing one against the other and open mouths, really, his hands slide Baekhyun’s shirt up a bit, just enough for his fingers to claim more skin. His fingers glide, fleeting, from his hips and he draws nonsensical patterns on the small of his back, slowly, carefully, then presses against his spine and Baekhyun sighs._ _

__He leans into the touch and for a moment he forgets about the kiss, tilting his head back, in surrender. He wants to let go, he needs to let go, he wants to melt into Chanyeol’s arms, but he can’t. His eyelids flutter closed, lips slightly parted and his breath fanning over Chanyeol’s lips, until the other’s tongue lazily traces his bottom lip and Baekhyun shivers, loses balance. He’s standing in front of a precipice, all he needs to do is jump, Chanyeol is coaxing him to do it, Baekhyun’s head spins._ _

__He always complains for the cold, he buries his faces in the crook of Jongdae’s shoulder or slides icy fingers on Chanyeol’s neck searching for warmth, in reality just to hear Chanyeol groan in protest. Yet he’s so hot now that it’s suffocating, the oversized sweater he’s wearing clings to his skin too close, too rough, Chanyeol’s hands are too big, too warm, too much and Baekhyun just wants to rip his skin off to feel some fresh air._ _

__He winces, though, when he’s pressed against the cold surface of the fridge and breathes out in relief at Chanyeol’s hands, his damn hands on him again. They don’t touch him hard enough, the kiss is not harsh enough. He practically screams in frustration, linking his arms around Chanyeol’s neck to pull him impossibly closer, as if their bodies weren’t touching already, and the other squeezes his ass through his jeans, then hoists him up so that Baekhyun can cross his legs around his waist and sigh in relief._ _

__Chanyeol keeps looking at him through his lashes and as usual Baekhyun can’t pinpoint what he’s thinking. It scares him, that blank expression, as if Chanyeol is not really seeing him, as if he’s really doing all this just because Baekhyun asked. Chanyeol says he won, but for some reason it feels like he’s lost instead._ _

__He cups Chanyeol’s cheek with one hand and presses his lips against his, it’s desperate, it’s begging for his attention but Baekhyun doesn’t care at this point. He wants Chanyeol, wants all of him. He knows he’s selfish, feels guilty for it, he swallows.  
“Look at me.” He murmurs._ _

__There’s confusion on Chanyeol’s face for a second, as he’s walking towards Baekhyun’s sad thin mattress on the floor holding him up as if he weighs nothing. “I am looking at you.” he replies, his lips brushing against Baekhyun’s cheekbone, the most natural gesture ever, and Baekhyun’s breath catches, can feel that string keeping him apart from Chanyeol growing tenser by the second and ignores it. Selfish, yes, it’s the right term._ _

__Chanyeol lowers him on the mattress, almost too gently, and he’s suddenly hovering over Baekhyun, between his legs, arms caging his torso. Baekhyun has a weird sensation of déjà-vu when he lifts his hand slide down Chanyeol’s chest and his palm stops at his nipple, as if it’s not the first time he’s been there, beneath this man eyeing him warily, almost defiant, though his touch is sure and compliant at the same time._ _

__Chanyeol shivers and hangs his head low, his pants synch with Baekhyun’s and he laughs a breathy laugh. It’s been months since Baekhyun’s had sex with someone without the alcohol knocking his senses out and he can’t believe that Chanyeol has him here all hot, hard and flushed after just a few kisses._ _

__“Are we really doing this, Hyun?” he asks. Baekhyun’s answer is a flick of that same nipple over the fabric, that’s his language. A language made of touches, whispers.  
Chanyeol’s arms slightly falter. _ _

__“You’re the one that kissed me, remember?” He retorts, and in the meanwhile he props himself on his elbows, to lick a stripe down Chanyeol’s neck, his hands lifting his shirt up, as Chanyeol helps him peel it off._ _

__“You’re the one that said we should have sex.” Chanyeol sits back, despite Baekhyun’s dainty fingers still grazing his chest, scratching it playfully now that he has free access. “Because we should.” He hooks his leg on Chanyeol’s hip and uses it as lever to push Chanyeol under him instead so that he can straddle his hips, his hands pressing bruises into Chanyeol’s ribs._ _

__There’s something endearing having Chanyeol gazing up at him, expectantly. The same Chanyeol who makes Baekhyun unsure of what he wants, the same man that makes Baekhyun want to reconsider whatever choices he’s made until now. It’s mesmerizing how all he wants is to kiss every inch of his skin, paint splotches of red on his abdomen._ _

__He dives in to lick at his nipple, leave wet traces with his tongue on his chest while Chanyeol groans and grinds up against his ass, unable to control his body. Baekhyun lets out a broken, surprised moan at that, and pushes back instead, grinding on Chanyeol’s crotch and taking pride in the groan that follows._ _

__Yes, they are definitely doing this. Especially because Chanyeol’s hand sneaking inside his jeans, massaging his asscheeks feels good. Too good even._ _

__Baekhyun is a bastard._ _

__“Now shut up and don’t touch me.” He starts, then gets rid of his sweater and tosses it somewhere on the mattress. He reaches for Chanyeol’s fly and he doesn’t miss the dark gaze that follows his words._ _

__“What do you mean don’t touch me?” Chanyeol follows whatever Baekhyun is doing, arches his back a bit to help him slide his jeans and boxers down, then stares at his hand confusedly when it’s smacked away by Baekhyun’s one. “I can’t touch you?” There it is, the hurt puppy, look, Baekhyun’s heart clenches but again, he’s selfish, he doesn’t care, shouldn’t care._ _

__Baekhyun is usually in the fuck me senseless club, but there’s something in the way Chanyeol stares at him that makes him uneasy, that makes him want to have all the control he can because he’s too afraid to lose that last thin string of it he’s got left. He wants to let go, he’s desperate for Chanyeol’s touch, he’s aching to have him caress him, kiss him all over, and at the same time he’s too afraid that he’ll want to keep Chanyeol forever if he does._ _

__So he smacks Chanyeol’s hands away as soon as they touch his hard on, when he finally gets rid of his pants and briefs. “You can’t touch me.” There it is, that blank expression on Chanyeol’s face. “Just pretend you’re a dildo or something.” He adds, and it should be funny but he regrets it immediately when noticing Chanyeol’s frown. He doesn’t need a frowning Chanyeol, all he needs is his dick between his asscheeks, he needs a good fuck._ _

__Chanyeol stays silent, luckily, but Baekhyun is not sure if it’s a good thing or not. He’s going to do this, he’s going to get some pleasure out of this and then get Chanyeol out of his system. It doesn’t matter if there’s a shadow on his eyes, if his hands are shaking as he grips at the sheets._ _

__Chanyeol hisses when Baekhyun does most of the job of spreading lube on his fingers first, then on Chanyeol’s dick, after he’s rolled a condom on it. “Hyun wait a second..” He ignores Chanyeol completely. He’s forcing himself to be calm, but his breathing is ragged when he lines everything up and lowers himself on Chanyeol’s dick as if he doesn’t have much time. Well, he doesn’t. Chanyeol chokes a cry when Baekhyun can manage to slip the head in. “Hyun wh-”_ _

__He wants this over as soon as possible, because his heart is beating so fast again and he’s not sure if it’s because he’s horny or if it’s because of Chanyeol. It’s always because of Chanyeol anyway._ _

__The friction hurts, a lot, despite Baekhyun being overall used to having dicks shoved up his ass, he feels every damn inch of Chanyeol’s shaft and he’s shaking when he searches for support on Chanyeol’s chest, half way through. He whimpers and then masks it with a broken laugh because he’s not weak, he’s not, he’s the one in charge here. He tries to concentrate on anything else, the small grunts Chanyeol is muffling into the pillow, his head turned to the side. His hands reach for Baekhyun’s small frame when he notices him wince and squint his eyes behind his glasses, but Baekhyun spits a _don’t_ and he hesitates. _ _

__He groans, then slams a fist on the mattress in frustration. That has Baekhyun concentrating, brows furrowed, as he tries to adjust to the intrusion. He forces Chanyeol inside him definitely quicker than advised. It burns, beyond usual discomfort and he’s breathing in and out trying to keep a whimper at the back of his throat._ _

__He grips at his control for dear life, even though he’s not sure what he’s doing anymore. Emotionally, he’s a fucking wreck right now, but Byun Baekhyun likes lying to himself._ _

__“Hyun go slow for fuck’s sake, you idiot.” Chanyeol doesn’t touch him, he’s letting Baekhyun have it his way, but he does complain, and tries to keep his hips down, to hold back._ _

__“Shut up it’s ok, I’m fine.”_ _

__“I don’t want your blood on my dick ok? Go fucking slow, take your fucking time, the dildo is not going anywhere. Oh god.” He clenches his hands on the covers and arches his back, when Baekhyun moves just a bit, experimentally. He smirks._ _

__It’s too hot, but for once he welcomes the feeling of fullness, and the slide when he lifts up his hips, then lets himself fall again. “It feels good..” He murmurs, as he knuckles up his fogged up glasses and Chanyeol moans unexpectedly and thrusts up._ _

__“Don’t take off your glasses.” It sounds like an order, though Chanyeol is panting, and dragging part of sheets up, in an attempt to keep his hands busy somehow. Baekhyun is too far gone to take notice of the hinted obsession of Chanyeol for his glasses. He keeps moving, his head thrown back and hands holding on Chanyeol’s knees for leverage._ _

__He bounces on Chanyeol, welcoming with moans and broken _yeah_ s the waves of pleasure running through his body. Chanyeol doesn’t touch him, but it doesn’t take long until Baekhyun can’t keep going. It’s frustrating, he’s almost there but unable to topple over, his muscles spasm, that cliff he was ready to jump so close and yet he, still, can’t let go. He can’t climax, it’s not enough, not even Chanyeol’s groans and occasional uncontrolled thrust help much. _ _

__It’s Chanyeol’s hands there, closed into fists, his eyes closed and his controlled expression. They say sex is mostly emotional, Baekhyun starts to think he can understand._ _

__His thighs shake, they hurt even more than his ass does at some point, so he gradually goes slower until he finally stops moving, his hands on Chanyeol’s chest again. It’s humiliating, a drop of sweat trickles down his nose He earns a gasp in return, when he sits still, Chanyeol’s balls against his asscheeks._ _

__There’s no sounds in the room except for their panting._ _

__They stare at each other for a few moments, until Chanyeol’s grip on the covers relaxes, and his fingers roam freely. They’re back on Baekhyun thighs, rubbing circles, brushing up from his knees to his ass, then his hips. It’s soothing, the momentary pain subsides under his touch. Baekhyun breathes out and doesn’t stop him, his head hung low. “Keep doing that..” he murmurs, and bites his lip. He didn’t mean to say it._ _

__“Are you done?” Chanyeol looks up at him and he sounds almost annoyed, especially with that frown between his brows and his body shaking here and there, for keeping himself from moving. He props himself up on one elbow, then he touches Baekhyun’s cheeks, and helps push his glasses up, carefully. Baekhyun whimpers when he feels lips on his nose, then his temples._ _

__“Can I actually do something now?” He asks, one finger smoothly sliding down Baekhyun’s spine, on his lower back. It shouldn’t feel this good, Chanyeol’s voice shouldn’t work this well on him, low in his ear. Baekhyun didn’t even know he was holding his breath until Chanyeol speaks and he sighs in..relief? His voice is soothing, it’s fresh rain water and whatever tension was left in his muscles relents little by little._ _

__He nods once, twice, and he expects Chanyeol to revert their positions, however he just crosses his legs without pulling out, and sits up until he’s facing Baekhyun. He helps him hook his legs around his waist and finally breathes out, a wet kiss on his shoulder._ _

__“Still wanna be the one in control?” He asks, careful, eyeing Baekhyun from behind his bangs. He swallows, he’s never hated Chanyeol this much. He nods again, and sucks at Chanyeol’s lobe with a whimper, when the other’s hips lurch up._ _

__“Come on then.”_ _

__It’s different, and entirely different sensation, Chanyeol’s hands raking up his skin on his back, squeezing his ass, kissing his cheeks, his lips, whenever he can reach really. He’s the one moving, he’s the one setting the pace of Chanyeol’s thrusts, his face buried in the crook of his neck, and yet it’s Chanyeol guiding him, tension building up, making his breath more and more shallow by the second._ _

__He almost comes with a cry when Chanyeol reaches in between them to touch him, and he holds on his wrist to stop him, again. _Not yet_. He doesn’t want to come yet, he’s not sure anymore, but he doesn’t want it to end. Chanyeol doesn’t comment, he just hums, but presses his nose into Baekhyun’s hair, breathes in. _ _

__“Ok. Just trust me, lie down.”_ _

__Baekhyun does, he finally lets go. He’s finally falling, Chanyeol ready to catch him, that last string of self control snaps when he meets his eyes. When Chanyeol shifts him that much so that he can finally hit the spot Baekhyun had been looking for from the beginning. And his gaze is so concentrated and blissed at the same time that it doesn’t take much for Baekhyun to realize._ _

__They’re most definitely not fucking. Chanyeol is making love to him and he’s never had so many discording feelings for someone before. It’s surges of pleasure and the fact that even if he wanted to regain that control, to catch the end of that string, he couldn’t.  
He probably wouldn’t even want to. _ _

__It scares him, and he panics, searching for a grip on Chanyeol’s forearms, until he leans in to slip his tongue into his mouth, tug at his bottom lip, kisses him senseless and chases his thoughts away._ _

__

__Baekhyun leaves the room as soon as they are done, Chanyeol doesn’t stop him, not even when he hears the water of the shower running. Baekhyun scrubs at his skin harsher than he’d need to, as if he’s trying to delete any trace of the last hour from his body, stays under scalding water long enough for his back to be an angry red by the time he walks out. When he’s back in the other room and Chanyeol is still there, his hair a mess, soft, naked and scowling on the thin mattress, it catches his breath._ _

__His heart tells him that’s the best view he could ask for, that all he wants is go back to that mattress and bury his nose in the junction of Chanyeol’s shoulder and neck while his fingers trace the skin of Baekhyun’s jaw. His mind wants Chanyeol out._ _

__“Shouldn’t we talk?” Chanyeol, who’s always keeping Baekhyun grounded, sounds hesitant, his voice almost vulnerable. He’s biting the corner of his bottom lip. He hasn’t joined him in the shower to make a point, he’s saying _it’s up to you.__ _

__“There’s nothing to talk about.” He shrugs._ _

__He sees it, the exact instant in which Chanyeol’s expression falls a little, he forces himself to ignore the urge to go there, lean in and kiss him again._ _

__Instead he turns his back to Chanyeol and starts fumbling with instant coffee, his breath uneven. The beep of the door closing is the only noise he hears after the rustling of clothes being put on._ _

__

__Baekhyun thought falling back into his routine would be easy, that it would make him feel safe.  
It doesn’t._ _

__He ignores Jongdae’s calls and texts asking where he is for a few days and at some point the other just stops calling. He’s probably upset, or he’s giving Baekhyun space. Jongdae knows him like that. Chanyeol doesn’t even try. No calls nor texts, and Baekhyun knows he’s the one who put an end to it, that he shouldn’t feel so upset that Chanyeol hasn’t reached out for him yet. However there’s that stinging sensation in his chest whenever his mind goes back to Chanyeol’s silent stare at his _there’s nothing to talk about_._ _

__He could’ve said something, anything._ _

__Being completely honest, though, Baekhyun knows he wouldn’t have faltered because he’s stubborn like that._ _

__It takes him four days to realize that he’s mostly angry at himself. He’s gotten what he wanted, hasn’t he? He wanted Chanyeol to fuck him so that he could get rid of whatever attraction he felt for him, however all he’s left with is a whole box of new found feelings that he doesn’t know what to do with and he’s trying to deny they even exist._ _

__He takes a glimpse of Chanyeol at school, during one of the graduation ceremonies. He’s sitting in the far back of the hall, not really paying attention while he probably plays Cookie run on his phone lazily, in his oversized black hoodie and doc martens. He’s dyed his hair a fiery angry red that makes him look wilder than he actually is, he runs his fingers through it every now and then. Baekhyun wants to punch himself for wanting to be the one doing that instead._ _

__Chanyeol can sense his gaze, Baekhyun is sure of that. He’s also sure that it used to be Chanyeol burning holes in his back during lectures, Chanyeol never really trying to sit next to him, but sneaking to his side when class finished, spitting out the perfect lame excuse to talk to him. Chanyeol brushes past him to leave the hall and...nothing. He doesn’t stop him, doesn’t spare a glance._ _

__It’s like going up the stairs and believing there’s one step more, the same feeling of sudden loss._ _

__

__Sehun and Jongin still reach out for him, calling his name whenever they bump into him on campus. Jongin is wearing one of Sehun’s checked shirts, a blue one, and Sehun’s cap. Sehun has abandoned his usual dark washed jeans for a pair of sweats and converse which scream Jongin more than Jongin’s hand searching for Sehun’s fingers to slip a coin into his palm. It’s natural, as every other gesture between the two, Baekhyun doesn’t know why his eyes linger on their hands more than necessary._ _

__“Jongdae hyung has been complaining a lot, lately. Says you’re avoiding us.” Baekhyun expected Jongin to let it slip, the same way he expected Sehun’s alarmed expression and his pinching Jongin’s hip in an attempt to make him shut up._ _

__“I am, kind of.” He admits with a shrug and adds a fake laugh there, it should fit well. “I needed some time to think.” He adds, and mentally scolds himself, because desperate is not how he wanted to sound._ _

__“Chanyeol is not seeing us either, you know. You could still come with us until he.. deals with it I guess?” Sehun knows the whole ordeal, there’s no point in hiding it after all._ _

__Chanyeol is not seeing them, that much Baekhyun had expected, knowing Chanyeol as really strong and stable on the surface, but a bit of a loner when upset. Baekhyun can’t help but feel that pang of guilt attack him, and he’s not fast enough to brush it off this time. His smile falters, he nods._ _

__“I’ll think about it.” He’s screaming inside because he wants to know what Chanyeol has told them, what he’s thinking. He never knows what Chanyeol is really thinking and it’s so frustrating he wants to bang his head against a wall._ _

__When they walk away Jongin leans against Sehun, linking his arm with him. His ankle is still acting up every now and then, he’s slightly limping but when he does, Sehun’s arm is fast to leave Jongin’s to wrap around his waist and soothingly rub circles on his hip as they laugh about something stupid as they go._ _

__His routine doesn’t make Baekhyun feel safe at all, it’s making him uneasy._ _

__Sungyeol _sunbae_ must be gay after all, because he asks him to go drink some _soju_ together a couple of times, after everyone from the Economy Newspaper club has left and Baekhyun is still revising some drafts for his article. Before Chanyeol he would’ve accepted right away, who cares what people think. He does what he wants, he’s young and if everyone thinks he’s a ticking bomb who sleeps around and only gets drunk who is he to disappoint them._ _

__Now, though, as Sungyeol _sunbae_ circles his shoulders with his arm while they walk the main street of the students district, all he can think about is Chanyeol’s face, the fleeting touch of his fingers on his spine. Sungyeol scoots him closer when a car passes by, Baekhyun lips curl up, trying to hide his discomfort behind a polite smile._ _

__Sungyeol is a nice guy, has lots of friends and it’s obvious that he hasn’t come out to anyone yet. Too risky. Many people would spread the news and Daejeon is a small city after all. At the third drink Baekhyun says he needs to go back home. Study, he says._ _

__Reality is that he’s a mess, he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. What he knows, though, is that he’s not ready to feel Sungyeol _sunbae_ ’s breath on his neck or his lips on his skin. He really doesn’t want to wake up somewhere he doesn’t recognize, it scares him._ _

__He dials Chanyeol’s number when he’s finally alone in a park near the university’s back gate, on the verge of a panic attack. A shiver shakes his body at the sound of Chanyeol’s voice, but he can’t bring himself to hang up, not yet._ _

__“Baekhyun? Hyun?”_ _

___Hyun_. Baekhyun breathing slows down, he closes his eyes sitting down on a bench in the park, his other hand gripping at the fabric of his jeans. _ _

__“Hyun what’s wrong? Are you ok? Baekhyun?”_ _

__He doesn’t reply. Silently hopes Chanyeol keeps talking, that his voice keeps loosening the knot of tension in his chest._ _

__“You’re not drunk are you? Hyun answer me please?”_ _

__He hangs up after that, the slight vein of worry in Chanyeol’s tone making him even more uneasy than Sungyeol tipsy, hungry stare at him.  
He cards his fingers through his hair and removes his glasses. _ _

__His laugh is bitter when he recalls Chanyeol’s hoarse voice telling him to keep them on, buried deep into him, their bodies flush against each other and Chanyeol’s grasp tight on the sheet of Baekhyun’s makeshift bed._ _

__

__The beginning of the semester implies different things, from the sudden appearance of freshmen on campus or the arrival of new batches of foreigners that fill in the streets of the student district. It most definitely also means parties for the beginning of classes, crowded restaurants and drunk university students on the streets._ _

__Baekhyun is a fourth year student now which means that his party time has been up for two years already, but he finds himself being dragged by friends to a welcome party for the freshmen of the Economy Newspaper Club. It usually translates to them eating _samgyeopsal_ for first round, and then moving to the usual _suljib_ to get wasted there.  
The getting wasted can’t be missed, Baekhyun has literally walked past a procession of first years carrying entire boxes of _soju_ to the student district, but who is he to judge them._ _

__The atmosphere in the _suljib_ is light, half of the club members are drunk already, Baekhyun is quite sure that two of the new girls, Sooyoung and Yerin -Business, first year, are purposely leaning too close to Youngjae -International Economy third year. He’s laughing and leaning on Baekhyun instead, who pats his back, half intoxicated himself._ _

__“And so I look at him and I’m like, what the hell do you want? And turns out it was Jongdae Hyung from the beginning, just that he’d changed his hair so I hadn’t recognized him” Youngjae’s voice gets just a tad louder by the end of the sentence and he hits the table with his _soju_ shot. “Aren’t you meeting Jongdae hyung lately? I thought you were close.”_ _

__“We are, we’ve just been both busy. He’s gotten himself a girlfriend, the bastard. Kang Seulgi, pretty, she kinda looks like a kitten?” Baekhyun is not a fan of shots, he prefers to have his own bottle of _soju_ to sip from, but Youngjae is nice and is pouring for him, he’s a good _hubae_. Youngjae pours and Baekhyun drinks it in one go, Sungyeol _sunbae_ has been rather quiet today except for the encouraging speech he’s given the newbies. _ _

__Baekhyun steals glances, but hasn’t really talked to him since when he’d politely declined his offer for a third round, a couple of weeks earlier._ _

__And then there’s Chanyeol.  
He’s sitting in a corner of the _suljib_ with friends that Baekhyun has never seen before but with whom he seems comfortable with. They’re sharing their second bottle of _soju_ , Chanyeol doesn’t seem intoxicated at all, which seems a good reason for Baekhyun to keep asking for more alcohol whenever Chanyeol’s laughter stands out above all the conversations in the room. _ _

__It’s still quite cold, but the alcohol is doing a good job keeping him warm and making him feel like he’s looking at the world through frosted glass._ _

__“You’re less talkative than usual hyung, what’s wrong? Trying to keep it cool for the ladies?” Youngjae obviously doesn’t know about the rumors or he’s faking it, but he’s smiling and Baekhyun cackles._ _

__“Just a headache.” Then Youngjae opens his mouth to say something, his expression says it all. “No. Don’t say it. I can see it on your face.”_ _

__“You’ve gotten old hyung.” There it is._ _

__“Oppa can party just fine, I’ve seen him last time at Seungyoon oppa’s house, he won half of the games we played.” Yerin takes his defences while Baekhyun shakes his head, then takes another shot, giggles and hits Youngjae on his thigh._ _

__“See? See? Yerin knows me well, you bastard. I’m not old, I’m like wine, I get better with age.” Chanyeol is laughing again, Baekhyun can see that red mop of hair when the vet student flops on the table hitting it, like he’s having the time of his life._ _

__“So you are getting old, you’re admitting it.” Youngjae’s words are meant to be a joke, but then at the same time seeing Chanyeol so carefree and knowing he’s getting old doesn’t make him feel better. It stings._ _

__“If Baekhyun is old then I’m a vampire, Yoo Youngjae.” Sungyeol _sunbae_ is giving Youngjae a weird look, but his eyes stop on Baekhyun for a second, as if he’s trying to deliver a message that Baekhyun catches easily._ _

__Lee Sungyeol has been throwing hints for a while now, hints Baekhyun doesn’t really know what to do with. At this point he’s not even sure if he’s trying so hard to impress him just to take him to a motel, or if he’s actually interested in him._ _

__“That’s what I was trying to say, _sunbae_. Vampires are also cool by the way?” Youngjae is sassy most of the times, but becomes a ball of awkwardness with people he doesn’t know well or that are older than him. This is one of those cases, and Sungyeol clicks his tongue in response, as if to confirm he’s won.  
Baekhyun doesn’t miss the smirk directed towards him, and his last resolution to go back home sober and not fucked goes down with his last shot of _soju_. He smirks back, and it’s purposely flirty towards Sungyeol, who doesn’t look that surprised anyway. Baekhyun assumes that the rumors around him being a twink must have included him being a whore as well._ _

__They keep exchanging glances even when Jung Daehyun, Mechanical Engineering third year, walks in just to stop beside Youngjae and nonchalantly resting his arms on the younger’s shoulders. Youngjae looks up and smiles, then punches Daehyun backwards on the stomach, the other whines but doesn’t retreat._ _

__Baekhyun wants to vomit because he’s too used to seeing the look Daehyun is now giving Youngjae, and it’s the same way Jongin looks at Sehun. Youngjae seems completely oblivious though._ _

__“Leaving oppa?” It’s Sooyoung speaking now, Youngjae just nods as he plays with the rings on Daehyun’s fingers around his neck._ _

__“You staying at my place then?” Daehyun seems to draw a line of some sort as he talks to Youngjae his eyes are everywhere but on him, as in _I’ve called dibs on him, back off_. _ _

__“Yea, it’s too late to catch the bus back anyway.” It’s Youngjae the one who throws an arm around Daehyun’s shoulders. “I’m staying with the douchebag for tonight _sunbae_ , so I’ll leave first.”_ _

__“The douchebag is right here, you know?” Daehyun complains and squirms under Youngjae’s arm._ _

__“He’s nice enough to keep you at his place. I’d let you sleep on the street ‘Jae. Sorry. Not sorry.” Baekhyun shoots, a shit eating grin curling his lips upwards._ _

__“That hurt hyung.”_ _

__“He’s right.” Sungyeol butts in. “You’re the king douchebag here, Youngjae, I thought we’d all agreed on that.”_ _

__Daehyun is laughing by now, his face pressed against Youngjae’s shoulder and laughs even louder when he notices that Youngjae is pouting. He smacks him on the back, Youngjae fakes it and stumbles a bit forward. “Let’s go, king douchebag.”_ _

__Baekhyun’s eyes follow them out and notices Youngjae linking his pinkie on the hoop of Daehyun’s jeans. Chanyeol is still this angry red dot at the corner of his eye, and it’s getting annoying._ _

__He doesn’t need to black out today, he thinks as he pours himself and Sungyeol one more shot of _soju_ , after Yerin and Sooyoung leave, meeting someone else apparently. Baekhyun has stopped counting the bottles at this point. He just wants to drink enough to not care about Chanyeol sitting there, a few tables away with people he doesn’t know, and actually find Sungyeol _sunbae_ attractive enough to follow him._ _

__“It always ends with the two of us, huh?” It does. When Baekhyun doesn’t get drunk earlier and finds someone else to spend the night with._ _

__He laughs and it comes out a bit more sexy than he intended to. Sungyeol has moved next to him in the meanwhile, Baekhyun flinches when he pats him on the head. God please Chanyeol is not looking, is he?_ _

__He wants to groan in frustration at his inner conflict, but doesn’t complain when Sungyeol picks up one of his hands as if to take a better look. “Are you leaving to study again, tonight?” He asks, his eyes search for Baekhyun’s gaze and when they find it he adds an almost tender smile._ _

__Baekhyun can’t do much but laugh, he gets it, he’s leaving with him tonight. He shakes his head. “I thought I was leaving with you, _sunbae_. I kinda owe you one, don’t I?”_ _

__“I guess. How are you going to make up for that?” Here it is again, that flirtatious grin, as he plays with Baekhyun’s fingers, caressing them distractedly._ _

__“Not sure, should I buy the next bottle then?” He asks. “And who knows after that. I have an idea or two.” No now this is worth cringing for, but the alcohol clouds his mind enough to make it sound ok, it’s going to be casual sex anyway._ _

__Sungyeol leans in, enough to hook his chin on Baekhyun’s shoulder. It’s the closest he’s ever gotten to him, it doesn’t put Baekhyun at ease, not at all. He notices Chanyeol in the background laughing again, someone must have said something funny._ _

__“I was sure you’d be the creative type, ‘Hyun-ah.” Sungyeol is actually charming most of the times, he’s got the _sunbae_ vibe, he’s the kind of older student that helps the youngers and never fails to put in a good word for them with the professors. _ _

__Baekhyun snaps, though, when he calls him Hyun. He’s never done that. It’s not that uncommon for people to call him Hyun, but he’s grown to connect it with Chanyeol, Jongdae, people he’s actually closer to._ _

__He puts some distance between them, wearing his coat as an excuse to turn the opposite direction. “Are we going then?” He asks, and feels Sungyeol pat his back and drag the stool._ _

__When he sits up again and finds himself looking for Chanyeol’s hair in the room, he realizes he can’t find it at the table in the corner. Then he raises an eyebrow when his voice sounds a lot closer than it was just a second before._ _

__“I can borrow Baekhyun for a second, right _sunbae_? It’ll take only one minute.”  
Sungyeol seems taken aback, but smiles with his usual diplomatic ways, he puts on his coat in the meanwhile, maybe pays for the bill, Baekhyun has no idea. His head has stopped making logical thoughts._ _

__Chanyeol has never dragged him anywhere, he’s not that kind of person, they’re not in that kind of relationship. It’s Baekhyun that stands up and follows him outside, he could’ve said no, he simply didn’t want to. To be completely honest something in the back of his brain, that one little string in his heart was waiting for Chanyeol to approach him._ _

__“What the hell are you doing? You’re not leaving with him are you?”_ _

__And here it is, the kind of Chanyeol that Baekhyun was afraid to confront. The one that actually cares. It’s cold, Chanyeol is not even wearing his jacket and he’s shivering, it’s impossible to miss._ _

__“I am, is that a problem?” Baekhyun spits out, and there’s venom in his voice as he sneaks his hands in his pockets._ _

__He blames the alcohol, and the fact that he’s exasperated because he can’t even manage to be properly angry at Chanyeol. There’s people around, but everyone is too drunk to actually pay attention._ _

__“It is, if you’re going to end up sucking his dick in a cheap motel or something.” He can’t look him in the eyes, a vein of desperation in his voice. He palms his face, then groans, his face clearly irritated. “God Hyun why are you constantly doing this? Are you trying to get back at someone? I don’t understand.”_ _

__Baekhyun’s face falls a little and his heart hiccups. Here we are, back to the start. He doesn’t reply immediately, and when he does, he’s almost sarcastic._ _

__“I don’t understand why you care, to be honest. Yes. I’m leaving with him and I’ll go to a motel if he wants to, and I’ll suck his dick.” Chanyeol’s face goes blank, and something in Baekhyun almost feels proud. He goes on. “And maybe I’ll let him fuck me however the hell he wants, we can reinvent the kamasutra for all I know. It’s not your fucking problem Park Chanyeol.”_ _

__His heart is beating furiously in his chest, the crisp air of march is not cool enough to give him some relief, the alcohol in his system makes it easier to spit words he doesn’t mean._ _

__“How is it not my problem? How. Explain. Because I thought I was pretty damn clear until now, Byun Baekhyun.”_ _

__“And I don’t know if you’re just pretending not to grasp the concept. You’re not my boyfriend, Yeol. You’re not my lover, not my fuck buddy. We only fucked once, that was more than enough.” It hurts to see Chanyeol’s shoulder slouch a bit, as if the words physically hit him in the chest. “Not my boyfriend, not lover, not fuck buddy, hell not even best friend, that’s Jongdae.” He repeats, making it sure that he pronounces everything clearly._ _

__“If you gave me a hell of a chance I could be that. All of that.” Chanyeol gets closer, too much closer, he grips at his jacket and Baekhyun flinches. Chanyeol backs off immediately, he looks confused, he didn’t expect that reaction, Baekhyun has never been afraid of him._ _

__He doesn’t want to hear Chanyeol asking him for a chance, he doesn’t want to actually give him one. Because he would, he would be weak like that. “Could you stop with this bullshit?”_ _

__“And could you stop with this rebel act, please? Look at me, I’m Byun baekhyun and I’m so alternative, trying to get an STD.”_ _

__He’s flabbergasted, his mouth open for a few seconds of complete confusion. “Fuck off.” It’s all he manages to say._ _

__“No. You fuck off Byun Baekhyun. You know what? You keep winning this. It’s ok. You can go, do whatever you want. Fuck whoever you want.” Chanyeol starts, his hands are clenched into fists down his sides. “My conscience will be just fine if you end up sleeping with a psycho. I’m done picking your fucking broken pieces up whenever you decide to live your wild life and then regret it.”_ _

__Baekhyun chuckles, it’s funny, because Chanyeol has gotten it all wrong, he never wanted him in his life. He didn’t even know his name, hell, he wouldn’t have cared in the first place if Chanyeol hadn’t started it all._ _

__“Nobody asked you to pick anything up. Nobody asked you to be nice to me, hell I never asked you to walk me home that day, and creep up in my life like a fucking stalker Chanyeol. Nobody did.”_ _

__“Wow.” Chanyeol snorts, then breathes out and starts laughing. He shakes his head, Baekhyun wants to punch him, then punch himself. The silence between them is heavy, Baekhyun’s heart is beating so loud, he feels it in his throat, ready to spit it out._ _

__“Whatever, Hyun. You keep saying that you don’t date, that you don’t want a relationship because you don’t want to be put in a cage. But hey. You’re the one building the cage. Maybe you deserve to be alone after all, you deserve all the casual fucks and guys using you.”_ _

__That’s the moment where Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say. Chanyeol must be an expert in hurting people after all, and Baekhyun asks himself what kind of delusion had he gotten himself into, thinking that Chanyeol loved him._ _

__“You hate it, don’t you? You hate this thing that you’re doing but you’ve decided to do it. Deal with the consequences then.”_ _

__He stutters, more from irritation and rage and cold and the alcohol messing with his body, than nervousness. “I never asked for your advice or help, I’m sorry for making your life oh so miserable. You can go back to your perfect intern job as a vet, to your pets and your third wheeling Jongin and Sehun. I never meant to intrude.”_ _

__“What’s with Se..” Chanyeol starts, then he stops mid-sentence, sighs. He sounds almost sorry for him. “Do whatever you want, Hyun, I’m tired. I’m out of your shit. Get drunk, fuck random people that don’t give a shit about you.” If Baekhyun wasn’t a strong and independent person, he would feel nervous tears at the corner of his eyes. He’s digging his nails into his palm, hel’ll probably bleed at some point._ _

__“You keep shutting me out, shutting your best friend out, you say you don’t need us. I think you do. But whatever, your life. You do you. I’m done.”_ _

__No answer._ _

__“I really hope you find someone that will keep up with your bullshit Hyun, because I’m out.” He turns his back to him, ready to walk back inside, maybe leave, Baekhyun is not sure anymore. Until he says something and Baekhyun’s brain clicks._ _

__“Have a good fuck. He only wants to sleep with you because he heard Seungyoon did, he’s not even gay by the way.”_ _

__“What the hell are you talking about now?” He charges, his voice a tad louder._ _

__“Is he gonna give you money as well? Ask him on the way there, maybe he’ll raise your pay.”  
Chanyeol’s face is not even angry at this point, but Baekhyun loses all the control he has on his limbs when he aims higher and punches him. The contact of his knuckles with Chanyeol’s skin burns._ _

__His eyes go as wide as they can, his hand ready to reach for the door. There’s blood at the corner of his mouth, Baekhyun feels his heart constrict a little bit, his breath ragged as he retreats and notices Sungyeol walking out of the _suljib_ , towards them._ _

__“Go to hell Hyun.” Chanyeol mutters._ _

__He can only focus on him disappearing inside, sitting back at the table with his friends, he doesn’t even feel Sungyeol _sunbae_ ’s touch on his shoulder as he hunches, holding himself up on the door frame. He’s shaking._ _

__

__Baekhyun doesn’t end up sleeping with Sungyeol, in the end. He alternates words of gratitude and apology for half an hour, for the scene at the _suljib_ and for not being mentally able to go with him. But Sungyeol is not a bad person, he says he understands, pats Baekhyun on the back a couple of times and helps him hail a cab.  
He’s not thinking when he mutters his home address to the taxi driver, and only realizes where he is when his eyes catch the grey entrance door of the building where his family lives. He hasn’t been there for months, since the day his dad decided to kick him out, remind him how much of a failure he was as a son. _ _

__His father’s words still sting, whenever that annoying part of his brain brings them to the surface much to his discontent. He’s not sure how he found the courage to give his parents _the talk_ during dinner, he’s not sure how he stood up when his dad yanked him and forced him to stand up, daring him to repeat the dreaded phrase. _I’m gay.__ _

__He expected his dad to hit him, but he never did. He just dragged Baekhyun to his room, ordered to get his stuff and leave, that for what concerned him, Baekhyun wasn’t even his son anymore. If he’d come out a few months earlier, Baekhyun would’ve probably cried and begged his dad to forgive him, to let him stay. He didn’t shed a tear instead, threw a couple of hoodies and his school books in a bag and walked out on his own legs, angry and fierce. His dad didn’t like that. Yelled at him from the door, a few neighbors peeped outside their doors, his mom trying to hold his dad back and make him change his mind._ _

__Baekhyun didn’t even look back, cursed while taking the stairs, the elevator was taking too long back then._ _

__Now he’s standing in front of that same elevator and he’s terrified, hurt and angry, much like the last time he was there. It was his parents who scarred him back then, and it was Chanyeol today. Funny how his heart puts the two on the same level of priority._ _

__He looks at himself in the elevator’s mirror, just a glance because he looks terrible, like someone who hasn’t had a good night sleep in ages. In the end he sighs at the _ding_ when he reaches his floor, and almost hesitates before walking out and finally ringing the bell to his own house. _ _

__It weirds him out, he could just open the damn door with the passcode, but at the same time he’s afraid his dad will open and he’ll punch him for good this time. He waits, until the familiar noise of his mom’s slippers dragging on the floor is followed by the door opening enough for his mom’s face to timidly appear in the gap._ _

__“Mom..” He’d been angry strong and fierce when he left, yet he sees his mom’s face for a second and his heart is in turmoil. “Mom can I come in?”_ _

__His mom is staring at him with her eyes wide, before she opens the door and says nothing. She comes forward enough to wrap his shoulders in a hug, her face reaching her son’s shoulder and planting a kiss there. “I can’t believe you’re here, I’m sorry ‘Hyun-ah, I’m so sorry.”_ _

__“Mom..” He forces some annoyance in his voice, the same way he did as a child when his mom gave him a smooch on the cheek leaving the trace of her lipstick behind._ _

__She chuckles and hugs him tighter, then finally lets go and Baekhyun can clearly see how her eyes glisten under the neon light of the entrance._ _

__“Where’s dad?”_ _

__“He’s at work, he’s coming back during the weekend.” They finally close the door behind them, Baekhyun removing his shoes and bowing when he’s in, as if this wasn’t the house where’s he’s grown up and lived most of his life. “You look terrible.”_ _

__He laughs it off, shakes his head._ _

__“What happened?” She asks, but she’s not looking at him while she makes him some tea, and simultaneously takes out a few side dishes for him to snack on, at midnight. He sits at their dining table, eyes wandering in the room, looking for changes._ _

__His pictures are still under the glass table in front of the tv, along with his brother’s, and they haven’t gotten rid of his stuffed bear, sitting on the armchair of the sofa._ _

__“A lot happened mom.. I’ve missed you.”_ _

__Baekhyun hated his mom for a month or so, after he left. Mainly because she didn’t stop his dad from kicking him out, but also because of her expression when he told her he was gay: actual despair, she looked heartbroken. He killed all her possible future grandchildren, what was he expecting._ _

__Then one day she called him and he knew that she was crying. She sent some food and warm clothes after that, but her broken voice on the phone had been enough for him not to hate her anymore._ _

__“I’m an idiot mom.” He starts, cup of tea warming up his fingertips. He hasn’t taken off his jacket yet and his mom reaches for his wrist when she notices the pained grimace on his face. “I fought with someone, I hurt them I think. I’m not sure how to fix things.”_ _

__He pauses and she squeezes his wrist, it’s a light pressure, enough to make him feel loved and relax him somehow._ _

__“I’m not even sure of what to do if I manage to fix things.” He sighs, but complies when she picks up the chopsticks for him and feeds him some fishcake. “Mom, does dad still hate me?”_ _

__It takes a while for her to answer, but she shakes her head. “I doubt he ever did. He was angry, and what I did by not taking your side was horrible as well. I’m ashamed for allowing him to kick you out, Baekhyun.”_ _

__She draws circles on his palm with her thumb and smiles a sad, tired smile. “Dad is just waiting for you to forgive him, Hyun. But you know your father, and his pride. He cried a lot a while ago, when he found out I called you.”_ _

__“I know you want grandchildren and a daughter in law and..” His dad doesn’t hate him, and yet he finds it hard not to try to find a justification, to apologize. He’s done being the strong and fierce Baekhyun who’s rotting on the inside._ _

__“I want you to find someone who loves you, Baekhyun. I don’t care if it’s a pretty girl or a handsome man. If he loves you, then I love him. I don’t care what your father says.”_ _

__She takes both of his hands in hers, searches for his eyes and grounds him, when he finally meets her gaze. Warmth spreads in his chest and suddenly he doesn’t want to leave anymore._ _

__“He’s been asking Jongdae how you were. Texting him, calling him or asking him to send pictures of you, because he missed you. He’s just a grumpy old dog, your dad. He figured it out, Hyun. He’s just waiting.”_ _

__It’s like a breath of fresh air, or someone taking a huge weight off his shoulders. He doesn’t cry, because he’s a man and hell, men don’t cry because they’re moved, he despises crying. He stuffs his mouth with fish cakes and _kimchi_ instead, like a real man. _ _

__“What about this person you fought with? Is he your boyfriend?” It’s brave the way she’s still looking at him when he expected her to be a bit shy about the topic. He’s taken aback by the question as well, because he’s not sure how he should label Chanyeol._ _

__She seems to notice, because she tries again. “Your friend then?”_ _

__There’s still a few lights on in the apartment buildings in front of theirs. His mom has never liked closing the curtains, even if that meant that everyone could see her cleaning around the house._ _

__“Both, I guess” he murmurs, and nibbles on the _kimchi_. He’s afraid of his mom’s judgement, it’s normal, and his heart is uncomfortable again at the idea of her not loving him anymore because her son doesn’t know what he’s doing._ _

__“Is he a nice guy?” She asks._ _

__“He’s nice mom. Too nice. I’m just..”_ _

__“Jongdae said you’ve had a bit of a wild phase. No, don’t even start, thank god he ratted you out.” Index pointing at him, when his face shift into a disgruntled pout. “You’ve always been a bit of a free spirit, to be completely honest. You would cry for hours when we tried to teach you how to swim because you hated the water like a scaredy cat. But we loved you even more when you did.”_ _

__“I really can’t remember.” He lies, his lips jutting up, amused._ _

__“What I’m trying to say is.. I don’t know who this person is, but I’m sure you can fix things, Baekhyun. And you can be all rebel and untamed and do whatever you want, even more when someone loves you. Because they do anyway. We do anyway.”_ _

__Baekhyun doesn’t know how his mom manages to always say the right thing at the right moment, and probably he blames it on Jongdae and his inability to keep his mouth shut when he’s worried, but he’s kinda thankful for that._ _

__He looks down at her hands, and they’re a bit ruined by all the housework and the cleaning and washing the dishes, and they’re still holding his. “Living in this country means people are going to stare, to think you’re ill or that you’re a freak. But I’m proud of who you are, and your father is as well, even though he said ugly things to you.”_ _

__“I.. don’t know what to say mom.” If his heart could explode it would, probably, but because of relief washing over him. He’s never been one for excessive affection towards his mom, but he walks around the table to hug her again, throwing his arms around her neck and basking in the soothing smell of home._ _

__“I only hope this guy is a bit more responsible than you are, though.” She says, and it sounds like an affectionate scolding. “You need someone to make sure you’re safe, you little wild thing...”_ _

__They talk some more and watch tv, his head on his mom’s lap and her fingers carding his hair while Baekhyun plays absentmindedly with his teddy bear. He completely forgets about his phone and the commotion he caused at the _suljib_ a few hours earlier, as he drifts off to sleep._ _

__

__When Baekhyun finally leaves it’s ten in the morning and the sky looks like is going to drop the worst thunderstorm of the last ten years, menacing dark clouds and icy wind that keeps messing with his hair. He’s got twenty lost calls from Chanyeol only, five from Jongdae, a few more from Sehun. He doesn’t dare open their group chat, frowning, as the first drop of rain hits his forehead._ _

__There’s only one thought going through his mind since the moment he woke up this morning, it just doesn’t want to let him be, and maybe the moment has come for him not to try and chase it away. It’s Chanyeol’s gaze on Baekhyun, before he leaned in and kissed him again, back in his one-room, cradling his head in his hands._ _

__That gaze makes his heart hiccup, beat faster, and for once Baekhyun sees nothing wrong in surrendering to it. He doesn’t know what it was, maybe it was that he needed closure with his parents, he needed to feel accepted before he could let Chanyeol in. Or maybe it was just that he needed Chanyeol to explode, so that he could burst as well and let out all of that rage and frustration he’d kept bottled up for months._ _

__He deflates like a balloon in sitting in the first available chair in the subway, and he’s not entirely sure of his surroundings until he’s only ten minutes away from home, avoiding the rain as well as he can, holding onto his jacket to protect himself from the continuous blast of wind._ _

__First, he needs a shower, a long hot one. Then he needs Chanyeol to listen to whatever he’s got to say, although he’s still not sure how to put words together so that they make sense. He was yelling that he’s not his boyfriend and he should go to hell just a few hours earlier, going from there to please don’t hate me is not advisable, maybe Chanyeol would freak out, not expecting it._ _

__Maybe he wouldn’t give him the chance to talk, ignoring him. His stomach makes a somersault at the thought, as he dries some of the rain from his face with the back of his sleeve._ _

__The university district is deserted, only trash and empty bottles of _soju_ on the streets are the quiet witnesses of yesterday’s partying. Baekhyun climbs the stairs two at the time, ignoring the leaflets scattered all over the floor. He expects to find one of his neighbors sleeping in the lobby, too drunk to remember the password for his apartment. What he doesn’t expect, though, and makes him halt on the spot, is Chanyeol sitting on the last flight of stairs, right next to the door of his apartment._ _

__He’s too long, he takes basically half of it and he’s still crouching, eyes closed, arms crossed on his chest and black hood hiding half of his face -a bruise is slowly forming on his cheek, courtesy of Baekhyun. He’s biting on the collar of the hoodie that partially covers his chin and, contrary to Baekhyun, he’s completely dry and doesn’t even realize the other is there, on the verge of blowing up._ _

__When he does, Baekhyun is already too close and definitely not ready for Chanyeol’s surprised but calm eyes on him. The other removes his headphones, sits up, he doesn’t look angry, but Baekhyun is not sure what to make of his expression. He’s lost every control he has on his limbs, Chanyeol seems to be waiting for him to talk, to say something. Baekhyun’s body does what it wants._ _

__Chanyeol seems taken aback when he realizes that he’s got Baekhyun in his arms, slightly leaning towards him since he’s still sitting. He goes rigid, doesn’t hug Baekhyun back, although the other’s hands are on his shoulders, hesitating. There’s still music coming out of Chanyeol’s headphones, it’s some kind of rock song that Baekhyun has never heard before._ _

__“I’m so sorry” He whispers._ _

__His, hands slide down a bit and he’s ready to let go, when finally Chanyeol puts his hands on Baekhyun’s hips and stands up, drawing him closer. He still doesn’t say anything, but tightens the embrace._ _

__“I’m sorry I said that you’re a stalker and I’m sorry I punched you, you didn’t deserve it.” He keeps going, his heart drumming in his chest as he hopes with all of himself that Chanyeol doesn’t let go. “and I didn’t sleep with him.” He adds, and Chanyeol seems to get the desperation in his voice, because he finally does something._ _

__He chuckles, Baekhyun can feel him shaking his head. “It’s ok, Hyun.”_ _

__Baekhyun frowns, his grip on Chanyeol’s sweater slackens and he draws back, to look at his face. That’s not the answer he wanted, he half wants Chanyeol to be angry, half wants him to yell at him or kiss him, do anything. He’s going crazy, and even now that he’s finally come to terms with the fact that he likes Chanyeol, he can’t stop being selfish._ _

__“Please say something.” He meets his eyes, Chanyeol’s gaze wavers. “Chanyeol I like you. A lot.” He leans in, leaves a kiss on the corner of his lips, and although his heart is still beating like crazy he’s calm for once. “I want to be with you”_ _

__“Are you still drunk?”_ _

__“Nope. I want to be with you.” Baekhyun tries to lean in again, before Chanyeol can stop him, a hand on his shoulder._ _

__“Hyun, you yelled at me that you don’t want a relationship, that you don’t want me to be your boyfriend. That was a few hours ago.”_ _

__“I lied.” He can’t find any better explanation, Chanyeol lets go and it feels like he’s drawn a line, a continent between them._ _

__“I slept here.” He says. “I slept on the stairs, you weren’t picking up, I thought I was going crazy.” He takes a breath, a hand reaches for his hair, frustrated. Baekhyun feels a pang of pain in his chest, he bites his lip._ _

__“Look I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, Hyun, if this is a joke it’s not funny. This game..” Chanyeol pauses, looks away. “This game we’re doing, you keep winning Hyun. You maybe think I am, but it’s you. You keep winning and I’m..I can’t play anymore.”_ _

__“I’m so sorry..”_ _

__“I just wish you could give me a chance, I’m..I’d try my best Hyun, I swear. If this is for real please tell me because otherwise I don’t think I can handle this anymore.”_ _

__Baekhyun thinks romance isn’t for him, he’s afraid of the implications, of losing his freedom, he doesn’t want to be put in a cage again. Baekhyun also loves Chanyeol, a lot, to the point where he’s the one putting his feelings in a cage at this point._ _

__Baekhyun is wild, independent, he’s a lot of things but he’s also in love with this idiot that is asking him if he’s joking, if it’s for real._ _

__“Can I kiss you now?”_ _

__Chanyeol seems taken aback by the answer, the line he’s drawn seems to get thinner, he gets his defenses down and Baekhyun tries again. “Can I?”_ _

__“Are you trying to shut me up so we can kiss and have sex and..”_ _

__He closes the distance between them, and he’s tiptoeing now, his droopy eyes looking up, searching for Chanyeol’s. “Yeol. This is real. You give me a chance now.”_ _

__It’s Chanyeol kissing him first, this time. Baekhyun closes his eyes before he can realize, his hands reaching for Chanyeol’s jaw, caressing there slightly. There’s something different in the kiss, in the way Chanyeol keeps it light, slow, and yet Baekhyun feels shivers running down his spine, as Chanyeol’s hands keep him in place._ _

__Chanyeol groans, grimaces, then laughs. “You most definitely don’t punch like a girl.”_ _

__“Is that a compliment?” Chanyeol leaves a peck on the mole at the corner of his lip in response._ _

__“So you want to be with me, huh?”_ _

__Baekhyun nods, then smiles. “Yeah.”_ _

__“So you like me, huh?” Baekhyun frowns._ _

__“You’re enjoying this way more than you should, you know?”_ _

__Chanyeol kisses him again with a smile and a lot of teeth, but Baekhyun doesn’t mind._ _

__

__They’re lying on Baekhyun’s mattress in his one-room, Chanyeol on his back looking at the ceiling, Baekhyun using his arm as a pillow. The afternoon yellowish light makes the room look warmer and cozier than it actually is, as is Chanyeol’s black sweater that Baekhyun has stolen after having _ramyun_ as late lunch._ _

__Chanyeol tilts his head enough to leave a kiss on the crown of Baekhyun’s head, then he peels off his glasses with one hand only, as he always does, and puts them away._ _

__“What made you change your mind anyway?” He asks, his fingers playing with Baekhyun’s hair._ _

__“Best dating advice my mom has ever given me: don’t date the life of the party, date the person that makes sure the life of the party gets home safe.” Baekhyun says._ _

__“Is that all? I was here dying to know how to get to you and all I needed was for you to talk to your mom?”_ _

__“Yeah, that simple.” Baekhyun smiles at Chanyeol’s jokingly pissed expression, because that’s definitely not all of it, but there’s enough time to talk about it. They’ve got plenty._ _


	2. No one’s gonna love you (like I do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wilder Mind (2/2)

You fall in love with Baekhyun for the first time when he falls asleep in the middle of the two of you doing things. To be more precise it’s him doing things between your legs after complaining for ten good minutes that he _had_ to blow you, because he’d finished before you and he didn’t want you to take care of it by yourself. You try to stop him, of course you do, but Baekhyun -and you don’t know his name at the time- is fucking stubborn and is already kneeling in front of you, your dick in his mouth, before you can even say Ironman.

You forget about complaining when he starts, and then just when you start enjoying it, he’s got his cheek pressed against your thigh, his mouth still parted and eyes closed -they droop down slightly, and you think _cute_.

Then you remember that you should probably be pissed because you didn’t get your orgasm and the guy was jumping on your dick just two minutes earlier, and that wasn’t _cute_. Baekhyun turns a little bit and scrunches his nose directly on your skin, and you sigh because you’ve got to force yourself not to wake him up and ask if you could hold him instead.

You’ve got love figured out, you really do. You realize you aren’t the type to sleep around after a wild party during your university exchange. If the other guy hadn’t left so early, he would’ve probably heard your heart crack, realizing you were the only one left on the bed.

The note saying _don’t call_ on the bedstand was the cherry on top.

You try girls, two of them. Girls -not every girl, but a good 85%- look for a stable relationship, and that’s what you want as well, except that you don’t want it with them, you realize. It’s always either them not giving enough, or you not giving enough to them, but you end up breaking up after a couple of months, the longest.

So you decide that instead of breaking up with them, you might as well break your rule and try going for a one night stand once again, to take the edge off.   
Once becomes a few more times, and then Baekhyun happens.

You’re not sure how exactly he ends up sneaking into your arms. Neither of you are club persons -that Baekhyun will confirm later, saying he much prefers hooking up in _suljib_ , the alcohol is cheaper and people tend not to give out a fake ID just to play around with foreigners, but for some reason he ends up bumping into you while you’re trying what you call a pathetic excuse of a dance.

He’s wasted, and you don’t sleep with wasted people, golden rule number two, but he’s got this monotone laugh and his smile seems to transfer to his words through his voice. 

“You know..I kinda like you” He yells over the music. He links his arms around your neck, his forehead on your shoulder.

“Are you ok?” You ask, just because you really don’t want your only designer shirt - which you’ve thrown on to look attractive enough - to be puked on from a rather cute stranger.

“Yeah.. just my head.” He lifts it, mischievousness and a speck of shyness in his eyes. He rests his forehead against yours, his skin boiling hot. “It’s heavy.”

“You’re drunk.” You mutter, but you put your hands on his waist and draw him closer.

The day after you’re left alone again in the empty room of the motel, and you’re not even sure what you expected. You shrug it off. Baekhyun’s smell lingers on your clothes, it’s masculine and strangely fresh, it goes well with his bony shoulders, narrow hips and disheveled hair under the flashing lights of the club.

You meet Jongdae at some random double date an older classmate set you up for. The girl they tried to hook you up with is definitely not your type and you doubt any girl would ever be, since you’ve decided you’d choose a toned flat chest over smooth, sweet curves. 

He turns out to be interesting, though, and you might even come to like-like him, if it wasn’t that the girl they were trying to set him up with is Seulgi, and Jongdae looks at her in a way that you know is far too involved for this to be their first date.

You still see him a lot, in the cafeteria, the library, the most random places. The city is really small and the two of you are the same age, so you always end up bumping into each other. One day he asks you to hang out, go play pool or something, and to please let Sehun tag along. You don’t ask why, you just do what he says, and you find yourself smiling a bit when you notice how Sehun’s ears go red at the sight of the ballerino from Traditional Dance department that has been lurking around his classes lately.

You work just fine as a trio, but Jongdae keeps mentioning his best friend Byunbaek, and that you should all hang out together. You don’t know who Byunbaek is, you nod.

A few months later and you’re sitting next to Jongdae in the cafeteria for lunch. Jongin and Sehun are sitting next to each other, and you suppress a smile when you notice Jongin’s fingers slide nonchalantly on the table just to link pinky with an unfazed Sehun.

That’s when you see Baekhyun again for the first time after that night. Your stomach makes a weird twist and you don’t get why. He doesn’t even greet anyone, and looks on the verge of passing out before falling limply next to Jongdae, and resting his head on the other’s shoulder.

“And this is Byunbaek. Say hi. Come on.”

Jongdae wiggles his shoulder a little bit and Baekhyun cracks one eye open, raises a hand, lazily. You get nervous, expect awkwardness, how are you going to explain that the same guy that’s hugging Jongdae like his personal pillow has also sucked your dick?

“Hi.”

He doesn’t recognize you. Doesn’t even see you. Jongdae stays there even when you’ve all finished eating, Baekhyun has fallen asleep on his shoulder. You start thinking he’s got narcolepsia or something, but you unconsciously smile, looking back.

Only after that you realize you’ve been hearing the name Byun Baekhyun more often than you’d noticed. And it’s not always in the best circumstances. There’s a few rumors going around about him, especially among the older students, and you start wondering if you should maybe tell Jongdae, but you end up minding your own business, and that’s where you screw up first.

Baekhyun must have narcolepsy and short term memory loss as well, because he doesn’t remember your face when he finally joins the three of you to hang out one evening. 

“I’m Baekhyun.”

He says, he’s smiling with his voice as well and his eyes become cute crescents when his lips curl up in a grin. He’s wearing a shirt that could be a tad thicker and a denim jacket that’s not doing a good job in keeping him warm. His teeth are tattering and it’s not even ten degrees.

“Sehun was just telling Jongin how food from the convenience store is not healthy at all.” Jongdae starts, and Baekhyun shrugs.

“I guess I’m gonna die soon then? I basically only eat that.” 

“You have no idea how bad that is, I always tell Chanyeol that he’s going to get cancer or something.” Sehun, continues, and Baekhyun’s eyes stop on you for a second.

“You’d get my gaming computer if I die, you should be feeding me on convenience store food instead of complaining, you know?” You spit back. Sehun raises an eyebrow.

“Priorities, he says.” Jongin is laughing, Baekhyun has got this awkward smile that you’re not sure what it means.

“Wait, when did you guys decide that? Can’t I have it instead?” Jongdae butts in.

“Sorry hyung, best friends privileges, you’re stuck with the PCbang.”

Baekhyun fits in pretty well, although he looks like a small puppy, jumping from one conversation to the other. You ignore him the whole evening anyway, to the point where even Jongdae calls you out on that, because it just looks like you’re being rude. You’re not, but you resort on stealing Sehun from Jongin and walk just a tad faster, next to him, with the excuse that your legs are longer and shit like that.

Truth is you don’t know how to face Baekhyun, and you need some time to cope with the fact that you slept with this guy and that he doesn’t even have a clue. 

.

 

Baekhyun is a flirt, and he’s also an idiot. You think, as you watch him dance with someone you actually know, and you shouldn’t find it annoying but you do. You find Baekhyun sleeping around annoying, because, again, you’re looking for stability, love, and all that crap. 

However, as Heechul’s fingers sneak under the waistline of Baekhyun’s jeans you start wondering if it’s Baekhyun’s life style that’s the problem, or if yours is.

You’re there when he gets shoved to the other side of the club, you help him out of that place. You even put your jacket on him, and yet it stings that he doesn’t even remember your name. You shouldn’t care, you tell yourself, it’s just Jongdae’s friend after all.

He yells at you that he doesn’t want your help. He’s drunk just like last time, but you know that today it’s not going to end with his legs wrapped around your waist.

How it does end however, it’s with him kneeling in front of the toilet throwing up every drop of alcohol he’s had. You would normally just leave, but you don’t have the heart to do so. He passes out, slumping against you, and you even tell yourself that carrying him princess style on the shitty mattress he uses as a bed is not too much.

Stripping Baekhyun of his T-shirt and pants is not crossing the line, stopping a second too long to stare and think _no wonder I slept with him_ is definitely okay. What is not ok is how you decide to sleep on the floor because you never know, the guy might throw up again and choke on his vomit.

Baekhyun makes weird -and annoying- whining noises while he sleeps, and you’re torn between kicking him or just waking him up, and in the end you do neither. 

He keeps treating you like shit in the morning, after he wakes up, and you hear what comes out of his mouth, but all you can see is how he grips at the shoulder he’d hurt the night before. And that he looks like he’s dizzy. 

He’s pretty, and you never want him to take his glasses off. You want to peel them off yourself, and then kiss him on the lips just how you’d done when the two of you had just met.

Incredible how well attraction works.

 

.

 

You meet him again, and it’s not casual. You _want_ to meet him again, and you hope he doesn’t notice the stares, and how you’re being overly caring. Jongdae says you’re caring with everyone, but who’s he kidding, you are twice as attentive with Baekhyun. 

Sehun says that it’s because you’ve been bringing stray dogs and cats home since you were eight, and Baekhyun does look like one, so you want him for yourself. You get angry at him, not because he’s saying that you are soft, but because you don’t like the comparison.

Sehun and Jongin date, and it’s beautiful. You catch Baekhyun stealing glances every now and then, and you wonder if after all he’s not looking for someone to balance him out like Jongin does for Sehun’s overly introverted personality.

“You know, Baekhyun doesn’t date.” Jongdae says one day out of the blue, when it’s just the two of you left at the table. The restaurant is noisy, the music is loud and laughter almost covers Jongdae’s voice but you hear it loud and clear.

“I guessed.” Jongdae almost looks sorry.

“It’s not my business to tell you what happened, but he really doesn’t want to date anyone at the moment, Yeol.” You don’t ask why, you don’t care, or maybe you don’t need to know to draw your conclusions.

“He doesn’t look happy.” You say, mostly to yourself.

“He says he is, I don’t believe him anymore.” 

 

.

 

You spend more time than needed at his place, even bring him food sometimes. He doesn’t yell at you anymore, you’d almost say he’s warming up to you always being around. He doesn’t look any happier, but you try. And you don’t feel weird about the fact that he doesn’t remember the two of you having sex. If anything, you feel guilty for not telling him.

You see him once, wasted as usual in this new beer pub with some tall blonde guys. You heard from Jongdae that Baekhyun had volunteered as helper for the new exchange students, but it still strikes as odd how relaxed he looks with them.

The one sitting next to him has a hand on his shoulder, Baekhyun leans into him too much when he laughs, even whispers stuff into his ear. You don’t need to see more to know what’s going to happen next. 

It makes you upset, and you realize you’re being jealous, when you almost stop by to say hi -no, not say hi, stop by to tell Baekhyun it’s late, that he’s got class tomorrow and he’s drank too much. That you’ll take him home instead.

You do none of these things, obviously.

 

.

 

Your part time job is great, the pay is good, and your family -aka your mom and sister- are really understanding when you tell them you might not bring home a girl, some day, because you like guys more. Your mom just hugs you, Yoora smacks you in the head instead and yells that she really doesn’t want to get pregnant any time soon.

You really have no worries nor especially complicated puzzle games to solve, except for Baekhyun. And yes, in the end you even come to accept the fact that he doesn’t date. That he won’t date you. And it frustrates you, you want to yell at him and get angry. And yet you end up thinking so poorly and highly of him at the same time that you convince yourself that you kind of understand what he does, why he does it.

All you have to do is be there, when he wants you, when he needs you he’ll know where to look. You’re that smitten.

 

.

 

You find excuses to meet, sometimes it’s just him alone, some other times you’ve got to ask Jongdae not to be suspicious and, almost as a fixed variable, Sehun and Jongin come along. Today falls in the second category and you’re all supposed to study together, since none of you has got afternoon classes before seven.

You do your best to get there as fast as you can, because Baekhyun has texted saying he’ll be finishing class earlier than expected, and you’re one greedy piece of shit because you want alone time with him.

The library is quiet, and although most people prefer those small anti-social individual booths, Baekhyun is one of a kind and likes the big wooden table next to the Western Studies section, where sunlight coming in through the emergency exit glass door, actually works better than the heating system. He’s there as always, and you see him before he can see you, which turns out to be a hell of a mistake, because he’s so so beautiful that you try to swallow and almost choke trying.

The sunlight makes his hair glow and his eyes lighter than the dark brown you’re used to. If only you’d got the chance to take a closer look you would probably even get to see the light sunburn he gets on the bridge of his nose, because he constantly forgets to put sunscreen and goes there to bathe in the warmth.

He’s wearing this big white knit sweater, the sleeves either too long or Baekhyun’s constantly pulling at them to entirely cover his fists has stretched them a bit too much. They’re too long, anyway, but Baekhyun doesn’t seem to care as he bites distractedly on his thumb. 

His glasses slide down the bridge of his nose, the nose pads definitely not adjusted correctly. You swallow. You didn’t even know you’d got a thing for glasses, that is until Baekhyun had done that thing where he pushes them back with his wrist, his hands busy holding something else. 

He does it now, the sweater’s sleeve falling back and showing a bit of his forearm and he gently pushes his glasses back where they’re supposed to be. He looks like a weird mix between a kitten and a sexy archaeologist, you’re not sure which turns you on the most.

You lose it.  
 _Guess who’s gonna be late_ you think, as you try to remember where the closest bathroom is.

 

.

 

You don’t like a whole lot of things. Puppies whining, the rain, when rice is too sticky or when kimbap is not cut properly. You also don’t like calls in the middle of the night that make your blood run cold. 

“Hyung, I can’t find Baekhyun hyung. Hyung I don’t know what to do”

You know Sungjae, you’ve known him for a while already, and you’re not sure if that’s his best drunk-scared voice. It’s not the tone, it’s the words. You feel sick all of a sudden, your stomach contracts in panic and your body just acts on pure instincts.

“I’m coming.” You say, but you’re panicking. And not because you’re afraid of Baekhyun being killed or lost somewhere, no. The reason why you panic is that you can make a wild guess about what Baekhyun is doing and where he is and you really don’t want him to be there. You really don’t want to think about Baekhyun having sex and panting into someone else’s mouth right now.

You don’t remember how you get to Seungyoon’s house, it all happens really fast. You try calling Baekhyun, multiple times, he never picks up, your imaginary scenario blurs into thoughts you chase away. You’re a composed person, you need to be rational, so you put on the most perfect blank expression you can make, before heading upstairs.

You find Sungjae outside near the staircase, curled up, half asleep. 

“I’m going to fetch Baekhyun, go home alright?” 

“‘s not in there hyung, I’ve checked..a lot of times..Don’t hate me hyung..” He slurs and you pat his shoulders as he tries to hug you clumsily. 

“It’s ok.” You reassure him, he smiles. He's completely wasted.

The apartment is nice, as expected of someone as rich as Seungyoon, who shares the rent with a loaded foreigner friend. It’s disgusting to see now, though. Some of the guests have left, some are too drunk to leave. 

You’re not lucky on the first try, but the second door you open is the bedroom, and you almost want to gag from the strong smell of sex and cigarettes that permeates the air. Baekhyun is sleeping on one side, knees drawn up to his chest and he’s naked. You didn’t expect anything different, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

“Hyun?” 

You whisper, too close to his face for your own sake. You allow yourself to do things you wouldn’t do if Baekhyun didn’t look so damn broken right now. You stroke his hair, then rub your palm on his shoulder, he’s freezing.

He blinks, drowsy, after a while and he seems to recognize you. He looks like he’s freaking out, he doesn’t expect to see you there. It makes you mad, you should be the one freaking out, you. You want to take him away from there, you need to get out of there or you might go insane.

You stare at the banknote you find in Baekhyun’s pocket, as you fish his pants from the pile of clothes on the floor, and you feel the anger shake you from the inside. You lift your gaze, considering for a moment whether you shouldn't just kill the fucker while he’s asleep.

Then you steal a glance of Baekhyun’s profile on the bed, naked, his face looks bare without the golden sheen of his glasses framing it.

You’ve never thought Baekhyun could be fragile. He’s fierce, and strong, and stubborn. Not happy, sure, with weird tendencies to make his life harder than he probably should, but never fragile, never broken. 

However he looks like he’s gonna crack and shatter in one million pieces anytime.   
You put the money back, that can wait, you don’t want to see it right now.

“Headache?” You ask, while you help him put his clothes on. You want to hold him and say that everything’s alright, but instead you just make him hop on your back. You just hope you’re warm enough to give him some comfort.

 

When he falls asleep in the manhwa cafe just an hour later he’s sitting between your legs, his head on your shoulder. You draw circles on his back to soothe him and he squirms, hiding his face in your neck. “Feels nice.” He murmurs.

Jongdae meets your eyes, then his gaze falls on Baekhyun, he smiles.

“Baekhyun doesn’t date.”

“You said that already.” 

“But I do think he likes you.” He pauses. “You might get to sleep with him once.”

You raise an eyebrow, and you feel that same anger from before click inside you. “I don’t do one night stands.” You lie. 

Baekhyun sighs in his sleep and the two of you stop talking.

 

.

 

You punch Seungyoon a few days after.  
Jongdae freaks out when you tell him about the money you found in Baekhyun’s pocket. Jongdae’s the best friend, he’d be way more protective of Baekhyun if it wasn’t that you’ve ended up tangled in a mess of feelings. You make sure to tell him in a public place and watch him grit his teeth and clench his fists. He whispers _son of a bitch_.

If you hadn’t punched him first, Jongdae would have.

“I saw you in my house, the other day. With Byun Baekhyun.” He says, washing his hands in the bathroom next to the cafeteria. Your hands itch, but you really don’t plan on hitting him, you’re not that kind of person.

“A friend said he couldn’t find him, so I came to check myself.” 

“Liked what you saw?” He asks. He’s handsome and he’s smirking, asshole. “I’d recommend him for a fuck, to be honest. I was quite impressed.”

It sounds like he’s talking about a product. All you see is how down Baekhyun looked in that room, that’s what anyone would’ve seen but this guy, he’s _recommending_ Baekhyun. Has he done it with someone else already? Has he spread even more rumors?

“I didn’t know if he was getting paid or not, you know. And I’m not stingy, he’s got a fine piece of ass there.”

You let him finish, and you’re smiling when you walk up to him. He doesn’t see the punch, you only see the blood. You’re the one grinning now, there’s more blood on his mouth than there is on your knuckles. 

“You’re disgusting.”

You say, and leave before he can follow you. You just hope he feels like the shit he is for what he’s done, but maybe you’re asking too much.

Jongdae’s eyes are dark when you tell him. “Hope he dies, the bastard.”

 

.

 

“How’d you get this?” 

Baekhyun is too close, as he grabs your wrist and examines the white bandage you’ve clumsily wrapped around your hand. He’s sitting on the metal table where you check the pets people bring to the clinic, his legs dangling from the side.

“Rage fit.” You shrug.

He looks suspicious. “You don’t get rage fits, what happened?”

You’re carefully avoiding his eyes, and his grip on your hand goes a bit tighter. “Yeol..?”

“It’s ok Hyun, alright? I got frustrated, punched a wall, got a couple of scratches, happy now?” You sound harsh, want to sound harsh because you know that will stop Baekhyun’s questions.

He’s taken aback, because you were smiling just a second earlier, he swallows. You follow the ripple of his -non existent- adam apple, and how he tentatively cracks a smile. “Does it hurt?”

You shake your head. “Are you worrying for me ‘Hyun?” Your voice intentionally lower than necessary.

“Are you flirting with me ‘Yeol?” He says, and comes just a tad closer. You can smell his body shower and there’s a fingerprint on the border of his glasses lens. Dear god Byun Baekhyun is beautiful. 

“Aerh, maybe?” You hesitate, because he gives you a look that you can’t pinpoint, and then backs off a couple of steps when you feel something brushing against your legs.

“What the hell?” 

Baekhyun is laughing, and you pick up Areum, the only cat Jinwoo keeps at the clinic because that’s where she was treated as a kitten and she doesn’t feel at ease anywhere else. 

“Nothing major, if she rips your face off with her claws it’s your responsibility.” You say, as you push the greyish cat in Baekhyun’s arms and she claws at his jumper. She’s going to leave holes, and probably scratched on Baekhyun’s chest as well, judging by the way he flinches.

His eyes go into half moons two seconds after, when he pets her and she starts purring. His laughter is resonating in the empty clinic when you go open the door to Junmyeon, his smaller cousin and their dog.

“Say hi to Darth Vader, Hyun.” You say, after Junmyeon has made the introductions for everyone, one hand on his cousin’s shoulder. The kid is holding Darth Vader from his collar. The dog looks fine, just a bit tired maybe, but you know he’s not.

“Who the the hell calls their dog Darth Vader anyway?”

You laugh at Junmyeon’s scandalized expression, and he follows your explanation with a detailed summary of the Star Wars saga - he includes facts that are not in the movies, of course. 

Baekhyun nods, searches for your eyes and when he finds them you know that you’re lost.

 

.

 

It’s snowing outside, freezing, and you’re probably soaked. Baekhyun’s one room is too cold for him to live in here, you want to ask him to come to your place instead.

You don’t. You just tilt his head, while one of your fingers follows the shape of his damn perfect ear. You want to kiss him, you need to, so you do.

Baekhyun’s lips are thin but so so soft when you press yours against them, they taste salty like your tears because you’re an idiot and you just cried in front of him. You did kiss the first time you met him, but that kiss tasted, smelled more like alcohol than like Baekhyun himself. This time is different, this time you ask yourself why the hell you didn’t do it before.

His hair is damp and honey blonde now. You love it. No, who are you kidding. You love him. He hides his face in the crook of your shoulder but you can’t unsee how he’s staring at you from under his lashes and you fall in love with him, again.

You’ve fallen for him every day. From day one, in different ways. 

He’s asleep in your arms, his breath fanning on your neck, as if it was the most natural thing for him to do to snuggle up closer, press his body against yours seeking for warmth because Baekhyun hates the cold and you’re a compact 185cm tall fireplace. He looks so relaxed and peaceful and you’re too nice, too fucking nice, and you’re in love with him. It’s simple. 

You don’t wake him up, and kind of expect to stay awake all night because you’re too nervous to actually let yourself fall asleep. You do, though, with your nose buried in Baekhyun’s hair and your fingers brushing lightly along his spine.

The morning after you’re fighting the urge to kiss him senseless again when he complains about how cold the room is, and that he wants your hoodie, that he’s cold. Because it feels that simple. You could do it, just walk up to the mattress, lean in and stamp a kiss on his lips, and then maybe take it further, line his lips with your tongue.

You don’t, though. You want Baekhyun, all of Baekhyun and not just his body, you’re greedy like that.

 

.

 

Baekhyun stops sleeping around that much. You notice it, and where a hidden minuscule bit of you is partying hard, you also wonder if it’s really because of you. You can’t stop staring at him, and you’re pretty sure he’s caught you multiple times, but you can’t help it. You wonder if he can read you the same way you can read every emotion on his face.

It’s Jongin’s birthday and he’s drunk, you’re drunk, all of you are borderline tipsy and the atmosphere is light and funny. Jongin is tipsy and sad about his ankle, Sehun is tipsy and upset because Jongin is hurt -again and Jongdae is just tipsy.

Baekhyun, you have no idea. He’s ok at first, and you’re all laughing together. Then you playfully bite his calf, send an overly flirty remark about him not minding your saliva, since you’re pretty sure he’s had your tongue in his mouth on multiple occasions, and he gets upset.

You’re not sure what you’ve done, your brain is half gone, but you apologize anyway, that’s what you do best with Baekhyun, say you’re sorry when you’re not even sure if you’ve done something wrong. 

He asks for more alcohol, his eyes glassy and his movements less fluid than they usually are. He’s throwing longing glances towards Jongin and Sehun concentrated on something on their phone, probably a puppy video or something. You start wondering if Baekhyun secretly likes one of them, even if it makes no sense, since he’s let you kiss him.

Then he says something, and no matter how much alcohol you’ve had to fog your mind, that simple sentence makes you sober up in a second.

“Yeol, I think we should have sex.” He says, and you snap, because he throws his dignity out the window and starts saying things you don’t want to hear. Your mind works faster than your mouth does, and it’s a second before all you can see is how Baekhyun must have repeated the same words to multiple people.

“Why? You could use a good fuck.” He says, and he tries to kiss you. It’s disgusting. 

You’ve never thought he was, not even when he was kneeling on the floor of a bathroom stall, holding onto your hips. He does now, though, _he_ disgusts you for a second, and it must show in your eyes because he looks hurt, cowers away. In the end it hurts you more.

You don’t know how to tell him that you definitely want to have sex with him, all the sex he wants for all that concerns you, but not like this. This is not what you want, you definitely don’t want a replica of his adventures in pubs and narrow alleyways, you don’t want a replica of your first encounter. 

It’s different now, there’s feelings involved, you’re imploding, can’t he see it? 

You pretend you don’t see him sneak into the bathroom, but you’re right behind the door like a lost soul when he doesn’t come out for like twenty minutes and you and Jongdae start to fear the worst.

He looks much like he did when you picked him up from that bastard’s party, white as a ghost and shaking like a leaf. It takes all of your will power not to go up there and hug him, maybe apologize two million times. You’re that weak for him, it’s insane.

Jongdae sends him to sleep, and you spend the rest of the night biting off your nails because you feel like shit, and yet you can’t help but thinking you’ve done the right thing. 

You keep staring at that door leading to Jongdae’s room until you’re not sure if your eyes are gonna fall or the door is, then Baekhyun opens it and you tap on Jongdae’s shoulder because the fucker looks more asleep than awake.

And he’s gorgeous even with his hair going in all directions. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and then tightens up the spiderman blanket around his shoulders. 

“Baekhyun?” Jongdae hesitates, eventually touches his shoulder and Baekhyun looks up, just drowsy, but responsive. 

“‘s cold.” He whines, his words all fumbled. “Yeol?” He asks soon after, and leaves Jongdae there like an idiot only to start wandering around the living room, he stumbles a couple of times, you gasp. 

Your heart clenches, Jongdae is definitely skinning you alive with his eyes, he’s telling you to hurry the fuck up and you do. You can’t help it. Your body moves on its own as you stop him, your hands on his shoulders.

“I’m here.” You say, and he finally meets your eyes. He smiles, as if he’s got no problems in the world, carefree. His smile is dazzling, you sigh, realizing how _not there_ he is right now. “I’m here, what’s wrong.”

“Yeol it’s cold.” He says again. He closes the distance between the two of you, his forehead on your chest, his nose bumping right into it. “J’dae’s room is cold, can’t I sleep here?”

He’s definitely warm, but he’s still shivering. “I’ll sleep there with you, c’mon let’s go back to bed.” You say, condescending, and you rub random shapes on his shoulders. 

He nods, but he’s the one guiding you to the sofa, pushing you until you’re sitting, then climbing in your lap. You can do absolutely nothing, you almost help him as he circles your neck with his arms, face pressed against your skin.

“Is it better now?” You ask, as you breathe out and pat his back once, twice. You completely ignore Jongdae’s eyes stuck on the two of you, you really don’t give a shit at this point. You don’t know what to do with this overly affectionate Baekhyun. He sighs, contently, hums.

He lifts his head enough to look at you and he stares, like he’s actually seeing you there. Like he really wants you there. Then he kisses you, and you can’t stop him now. It’s just a peck at first, but he deepens the kiss and you draw him closer. It’s sweet, nothing sensual in it, but his lips do linger on yours, as your arms wrap around his waist.

“It’s a goodnight kiss.” He murmurs, a sleepy grin curling his lips upwards. It’s your forehead on his clavicle now, your heart beating like he’s going to pop out of your chest. You need a minute, no, more like an hour to process what just happened, to process the effect that this guy has on you.

You close your eyes and realize that Baekhyun is playing with your hair. 

You end up lying down with him -and your puffy jacket- on top of you, a bit because he wouldn’t budge, but mostly you don’t really want him gone.

He can’t remember a thing the morning after, and you start thinking that it must be some kind of curse someone has cast on you, for Baekhyun to never remember about you. His eyes are a bit swollen, he can’t keep them open properly as he tries to focus on you.

You want to hit Jongdae so badly, it’s 6 a.m. for fuck’s sake why did he need this conversation so bad right now. Baekhyun seems as bothered as you are, also a bit hungover with a bad headache. You take a mental note to fetch him some medicine, but you’ve gotten Jongdae to prepare a water bottle with a straw, which is good enough.

You tell him about the kiss, and you’d expect him to jump off you right away and run to Timbuktu the fastest he can. He doesn’t, though, and it doesn’t even take that much to convince him that the kiss is nothing major. That you’ve kissed before.

“It doesn’t need to mean anything, don’t worry.” You try to reassure him, and he gives you a weird look, a look that you can’t read. 

It leaves you wondering, you want to know and at the same time you restrain yourself from doing it because you know Baekhyun well enough at this point. So you keep yourself busy, brushing his hair away from his face until his cheek is pressed against your chest and his breathing is even.

 

.

 

Everything seems to crumble from there. It’s imperceptible, the change, but you feel it in the looks, in the way Baekhyun doesn’t seem at ease when people call your name. He’s overly wary, and you can’t help but follow him around as if you’re thirsty for his attention, as if you’ve been in a desert for days and Baekhyun is the only oasis around.

The kiss changes everything, makes things awkward, it’s the first point of no return. No matter how many times you try to mend whatever relationship you had before, beg him, Baekhyun puts a distance between the two of you, a damn wall that you can’t break through.

The trip at Jongin’s, in the countryside, is supposed to be a compromise so that the two of you can have some kind of closure, lay all the cards out on the table and talk it out. He’s not going to date you, he’s not suddenly changing his mind and deciding, all of a sudden, to be your boyfriend and you know that. You’ve come up to terms with that.

One of you has obviously fucked it up. You think it’s you, as your eyes stare a little too long at him in the darkness, and your fingers decide to move on their own. 

You’re definitely sure it’s you, you’re the one who fucked it up, as you walk up to him and cradle his face into your palms. And even if it’s Baekhyun, constantly playing this game of push and pull, him constantly challenging you, pulling at all the right strings, it’s still you.

You kiss him first, you’re still kissing him now. You can feel it break, that balance you had. That thin line between being lovers and being friends, you’ve been tiptoeing on it for too long.

Baekhyun gasps on your skin as your kiss deepens, you press him against you, no space between your bodies and your lips on his.

“You fuckin win Hyun.” You murmur. 

He smirks, but his hands are shaking as he pulls you down to him.

 

.

 

He says there’s nothing to talk about.

Nothing. When you can still feel his touch on your skin, insistent. Nothing, when he’s right in front of you, making coffee. 

You’re not even angry. Just empty. And stupid, when your instincts say to go up to him and hug him, whisper something stupid into his ear. You’re in love with him, but he says there’s nothing to talk about, and you’re a selfish bastard, yep, but mostly a coward.

He stops talking to you, to everyone really. You feel kind of bad that he’s also avoiding Jongdae, Sehun and Jongin still try to look for him, invite him out. At some point you realize that the only thing keeping Baekhyun from seeing the others is you. So you stop seeing them altogether. 

You focus on work, study. You’re busy. You keep telling yourself that you’re fine. That’s what you tell the others as well, but your eyes look for the shape of Baekhyun’s head in the class, focus on his fucking perfect neck. 

Ignoring him requires a lot of effort, too much, especially since the moment you notice that it does affect him. His expression falls the second you walk past him as if you’d never met him. You tell yourself that it’s for the best, after all.  
It doesn’t have to be you. Things are better as they are.

You don’t know who you’re trying to convince anymore.

 

.

 

You don’t expect things to develop the way they do. It’s just you, your new friends and some alcohol. You hear Baekhyun’s laughter loud and clear in the _suljib_ , it rings in your ears as if it’s mocking you. His presence is so evident in the background, you don’t know what to do to erase it, erase him, and that feeling of relief you feel upon hearing his voice.

You drink some more, the alcohol stings in your throat and you’re suddenly not that happy with the fact that you can hold your liquor that well. He says something you can’t hear clearly, that _sunbae_ of his is too close and it annoys you, so bad.

You’ve heard things, you hear things about Baekhyun everyday anyway, and it angers you that he’s so clueless, or that he just doesn’t give a shit about his reputation at this point.

The cold of the evening hits you as the two of you end up outside of the _suljib_. It feels like a cheap replica of a soap opera.

You yell at him. At some point you lose track of what you really think. You let anger speak, because he’s frustrating. 

He’s frustrating. He doesn’t need you, but he needs the fucker he was going to sleep with, doesn’t he?

You’ve never wanted to hurt him this bad.   
Your words are knives, you take pleasure from seeing him hurt. 

He punches you, and something inside you tells that you kinda deserved it, didn’t you?

Asshole.

Your cheek burns as you sit back at your table. You don’t look back.

“What happened?”

“I had some unfinished issue with some idiot.” Your say, gritted teeth. You feel like shit.

“Settled now?” Sunwoo asks.

You nod.

 

.

 

It’s not settled, and you’re most definitely not over Byun Baekhyun.

You thought it would be easy, to spit shit at him, get some kind of revenge for how he left you hanging for months. Kissing you, rejecting you, as if you were some sort of toy.

You thought that momentary satisfaction would last longer, but it’s not the case. 

You start calling him the second you leave the _suljib_ , even if you’ve got no idea what you’re going to say. It doesn’t even matter that he wants to sleep with someone else, that he was planning to, you just want him safe. 

You sleep on the stairs of his one-room, ignoring the drunk neighbor that literally drops dead a few meters from Baekhyun’s apartment. Sleep is a big word, as you jolt awake with every small sound, every time the automatic light switches on and you hope it’s him.

It’s morning and you’re still there, nibbling at your fingernails and you get more and more nervous by the minute. Baekhyun is still not picking up, Jongdae has been checking up on you every couple of hours, but there’s no signs of messages from him now anyway.

You’ve listened to the same songs for twenty times already, when a tuft of honey blonde hair enters your vision and your heart gets confused, it doesn’t know if it’s relief or excitement.

He hugs you, and even that doesn’t feel real. He’s warm and you’re freezing. You can’t move, at first. It feels like another prank, Byun Baekhyun style. You half expect him to kiss you, then ask you to do it on the stairs and leave.

You’re bitter, still. But all of your resolution crumbles when you feel his grip falter. You don’t want him to leave again. He apologizes. You say “It’s ok, Hyun.”

“I want to be with you.” He says. 

It sounds like a joke, but his eyes are soft and he’s still there. 

“You give me a chance, now.” He says. He lets you kiss him, and for once there’s no hurry, there’s no alcohol. It’s just Baekhyun’s fingers caressing your jaw.

If it’s a joke, you don’t even care at this point.  
You deepen the kiss.

 

.

 

He starts saying that he’s your boyfriend a month later. Sometimes he sits next to you in class -the only class you two have in common. You notice he scribbles on the desk a lot. Some other times he falls asleep on your shoulder and pokes your side until you agree to give him your notes -you will anyway. 

“Your shoulder is the most uncomfortable place to sleep. Ever.”   
He complains, every single time. 

“And yet your head spends more time on it than it does on your pillow, Hyun.” You say.   
You earn a punch on said shoulder, he mutters a _fuck you_ , but he snuggles against you in the following period.

The rumors about him sleeping around die down after a while, and the fact that you are always sticking together, the fact that Baekhyun comes pick you up from class sometimes and you do the same, makes people think you’re just close friends and there’s that.

When they point it out, what a beautiful friendship you have, Baekhyun shrugs, and gives you a look that still has your heart stopping for a second when he does. It’s one of intimacy and understanding at the same time, and you realize that you’ve fallen for him again.

 

You start hanging out with Jongdae and the others again. Seulgi joins you, from time to time, now that Jongdae and her are a thing. Sehun and Jongin are as close as they were before, even more if possible, since the day when you all went to see Jongin’s contemporary dance stage and Sehun was on the verge of passing out on his seat on the first row.

Baekhyun plays with your fingers throughout the whole performance. The lights go down, and you’re pretty sure that it’s his lips that you feel on your knuckles. 

When the lights are on again, Jongin welcomes the audience with a smirk and a hip thrust. You and Baekhyun laugh, Sehun’s gasps and Jongdae starts fanning him with the performance pamphlet.

 

Baekhyun is still feisty and too stubborn for his own sake but you love how he glows when he laughs too loud, how he’s a sore loser and can’t stand when the doll he’s trying to catch at the crane games falls back into the pile right the moment he’s sure he’s got it.

He makes a face, his lips turn into a line and he huffs. You coo at him, pretend to hug him and plant a kiss on his forehead just to get him angry because Baekhyun loves to be pampered, but hates losing to you, who’ve caught five dolls already.

 

He still kisses you hungrily when he wants something, he’s the one stripping you of your clothes and pushing you to bed -your bed, his horrible mattress has been replaced recently, but you always end up sleeping at your place anyway. Those times all you can do is let him lead, and it’s still fun, because it’s him. 

Some other times he stretches himself on the mattress like a cat, then pulls you down to him, nibs at your jaw and drags kisses to your ear. He whispers _touch me_. And you do, every single time. 

 

“I love you” 

You say, laughing, and Baekhyun hiccups right through a moan as he’s on top of you, busy trying to set a pace, your hands keep his hips in place and help him move. He hiccups, again, and the small jump on you -and your crotch- leaves you breathless for a moment. 

He stops moving, makes a grimace, hiccups.

“Oh, seriously?” He hiccups, another small jump, and you can’t help but chuckle. “Fuck you, don’t laugh.” He says.

You sit up, cross your legs and reach for his face. You kiss his nose, his cheekbones, your lips never leave his skin.  
“I love you” you whisper again.


End file.
